It didn’t seem such a big deal at the time. You couldn’t resist accepting the invitation. Everybody told you it was a chance of a lifetime to experience a Vietnamese wedding. And oh, the trouble you’re in! If this sounds familiar, read on, as I’ve amassed a small fortune in nuanced social graces that will help you avoid some common mistakes. And if this doesn’t yet sound familiar, it soon will: the vast majority of Vietnam’s population is between 20 and 30 years old, a fair-sized celebration can include 500 guests, and family members love to invite friends along. I’ve been invited to three in two months – one with only a day’s notice. Trust me in these matters, for I have seen The Way.
Preparations
Follow the common wisdom and forgo the search for a gift. What a mess it would be if 500 guests showed up with 500 individually wrapped presents! Instead, find a nice envelope, and put in a sum of cash you’re comfortable with – depending very much upon your own financial situation and upon how well you know the lucky couple. Don’t be cheap, but don’t show off, and do put your name on the envelope.
Dress well, but by all means don’t go all out. None of the groom’s mates will be wearing jackets or ties, and the bride’s girlfriends might look ready to go out to a nice club for a dance. On your part, regular office-wear will make a fine impression.
Get to the party early. It can be a real job trying to find the specific wedding you’ve been invited to, especially in peak season, and it’s not uncommon to find two or three weddings occupying the same banquet hall. You’ll likely eat away the extra minutes asking directions and wandering around.
The Arrival
There will be a reception desk at which you present your invitation, sign the guest book, and deposit your gift-envelope into an impressively large basket. The bride and groom typically stand side-by-side at the entrance to the banquet hall – give them your heartfelt congratulations and be prepared to pose for a picture, and then do the same thing with their parents off to the side. This is polite anywhere you go, and serves very well to affirm that you are “part of the group.”
If you came with friends, follow them to their table. Otherwise, ask a waiter or an event organizer where to sit, pantomiming if necessary. Don’t be surprised if your table is quiet and polite all night, or loud and rowdy, as you’ll see many examples of both at any one wedding celebration.
The Celebration
Truly pragmatic, the night’s opening ceremony might last barely ten minutes, and if you can be heard over the blaring music, you’re free to talk. The happy couple, along with their parents, will enter and toast each other – the true ceremony having been performed among close relatives earlier in the day – and then the waiters will bring out the food.
Do not eat before you come! This is important, given the eight-course meal that looms before you. And watch out if you’re being served alcohol, as it’s all-you-can-drink and easy to lose track. The waiters won’t pause to be asked to keep your glass full. Bowl after bowl of delicacies will arrive, and you’ll soon realize it’s impolite not to sample everything, so pace yourself. Leaving a little extra food in your bowl is a good way to ensure that hospitable neighbors don’t continue loading you up on morsel, after morsel, after morsel of food.
The Entertainment
If you find yourself becoming Mr. or Mrs. Popular, watch out! The entertainment of choice is karaoke, and you just may find yourself emphatically nominated to belt out a classic to a crowd of 500 strangers. And if the groom or the bride catch wind of your eligibility, there’s no saying “no.” Play sick. Play dead. Start speaking in tongues, or claim bronchitis. Don’t let wedding karaoke happen to you.
The happy couple and family will make rounds of the tables, and you must toast. The more uninhibitably happy relations will down a whole glass of beer at a go, and several may ask you to do it with them. Be prepared to be driven home, make sure there’s plenty of ice in your beer, or I hope you can handle your drinks. Whatever you do, smile – it’s a celebration!
The Exit
It’s not bad manners to leave before the banquet is over – many will. Make sure you wish the newly married a happy matrimony before you go, and shake hands with the parents again, emphasizing respect with a small bow. Navigate your way out, and take a deep breath. One of the few, the proud… the somewhat overwelmed – you’ve survived a Vietnamese wedding ceremony!
