* Thirty per cent of a radio station’s output must be Canadian content. Usually our most talented artists go to the United States. Without that law, our artists would never be heard.
*You must not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies. Those puppies are heavy, you know.
* Citizens may not publicly remove bandages. We’re short of doctors and some of us have weak stomachs.
* It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them. Guns are fine.
* It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft. If you’re going to mess around with that stuff, be sure you get it right.
IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
* It is illegal to kill a Sasquatch. However, if you can snap a good picture, it will probably be worth a lot of money.
IN ALBERTA
* It’s illegal to set fire to the wooden leg of a wooden-legged man. Even if it’s intended as a joke, and you bring along a fire-extinguisher, it’s still illegal.
* Businesses must provide rails for tying up horses,( or kangaroos or dragons or whatever mount you chose for the trip).
* Wooden logs must not be painted. I have no idea why not. Maybe if someone were to throw one in his fireplace, and the paint were flammable, there could be a problem.
IN ONTARIO
* In Etobicoke, a bylaw states that it’s illegal to have more than 3.5 inches of water in a bathtub. We don’t believe in wasting water.
* In Oshawa, it’s illegal to climb trees. It’s best to keep one’s feet on the ground.
* In Toronto, you can’t drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday. Saturday night until 11:59 is O.K., but people may look at you a little strangely.
* In Wawa, you may not paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet. Did I mention we’re short of doctors? Most of them have gone to the States with our performing artists.
IN QUEBEC
* All business signs must be in French. If the business operator wishes to have English on his sign, the French must be at least twice as large as the English is. This law is strictly enforced. They even have “language police” who go around with measuring tapes and fine anyone who violates the law!
* It is against the law to impersonate a foreigner. ( If you don’t speak French, you’re already suspect.)
* In Montreal, you may not swear in French. The mother tongue should not be tainted with profanity.
* In Montreal, “For Sale” signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles. Some of the natives may try to read it and crash into “un arbre”.
IN NEW BRUNSWICK
* Driving on the road is not permitted. Even I can’t explain this one. Maybe it’s because all the potholes might damage your vehicle?
With all its diversity and eccentricities, Canadians love their native land. To quote the National Anthem:
“O Canada, glorious and free, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee!
