Recently, Sherry Upson, published and article entitled “I do not understand Adultery”. She raised some excellent questions in this article, some of which were even answered in an article by a mystery writer who calls himself Quiet Desperation. This series of articles has to be one of the most enlightening to date on Associated Content.
I however, have a similar, but unrelated question. What I do not understand is spousal abuse. I do understand that some people are bullies and tend to hurt people, who they love, think they love, or are infatuated with. What I do not understand is how most recipients accept and allow such abuse. Of course, however, there are exceptions where people cannot fight back like in this article by BachelorGirl.
My questions are primarily geared toward the victims:
1. How long does it take to realize you are being abused?
2. After the first slap, how do you stay?
3. When the abuse is physical, how do you justify staying in a relationship?
4. Why is not the physical abuse at least mutual… i.e. Why don’t you fight back?
5. What was, or will be the final straw? (What made, or will make you leave?)
6. Is leaving really that difficult?
7. If there are children involved, how do you allow them to watch abuse, or to be abused?
8. If you are out of the abusive relationship, do you think you may find yourself in another?
9. What will you do to prevent ending up in another abusive relationship?
10. Why is your abuser still living?
I realize that to some, my questions may have obvious answers, but I really do want to know how victims of abuse put up with it beyond the initial kick, slap, or punch. I think my lack of understanding comes from my fighting spirit. My mother was abused while I was in the womb. The abuse started out as emotional. He was jealous and controlling. The final straw was when he punched her in the face when she got home from shopping with her girlfriend. I do not know if her anger was fueled by the embarrassment of being hit with someone standing there, or just because he hit her. After hitting her, my genetic father demanded she cook his dinner and then sat down at the kitchen table with his back to the stove, awaiting his meal. …Wrong move. I will tell what happened next in my moms words: “I looked at the cast iron frying pan, and then I looked at the shiny spot on his head, and then I picked up the frying pan, and smacked him right in the shiny bald spot.” Of course, this ended the relationship, and I grew up not knowing my father. Nevertheless, I am surely better off.
Another thing that formed my opinion of how to act in an abusive situation is a movie I saw at age 10. It was called The Burning Bed, starring Farah Faucet. To give a quick summary, the movies’ heroine got sick of being abused, and burned the bed with her husband in it. I thought her actions were fitting.
Now, I am not suggesting that all abused women go out and kill their abusive husbands and boyfriends. However, I am saying that if it were me, I would only have had to be hit once. Frankly, I wish someone would have the audacity to hit me… I would surely bust ’em upside their head! As for mental and other forms of abuse, I do not know if I would catch on right away, as love can be blinding, but once my light bulb came on, that dude would certainly have to hit the road.
Therefore, I ask these questions respectfully, and in all sincerity, trying to understand why, and how, abuse can be allowed to continue in the home. I just do not understand it.
