Once again I’m feeling, “Could it get any worse that this?” I am so sick and tired of having OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and suffering with it. I’m feeling my life has been cursed with having OCD. I try over and over to fight it and I try over and over to enjoy life. OCD never fails to defeat me. At this point I feel like I’m doomed and that life is never supposed to be good for me. OCD got me good this time.
Why now?
Forty-six years ago, after a snow blizzard, I slipped on the ice and fell face down. On my first fall downward I protected my mouth by covering it with my hand, but as I was getting up I slipped again and being caught off-guard, I didn’t cover my mouth. The result was that I chipped one of my front teeth and the impact damaged the other. My dentist then did a root canal on the chipped front tooth and put in a piece to fix the chip. Over the years the damaged front tooth next to it blackened more and more and eventually lost its top layer at the bottom of it. I became so self-conscious of these 2 front teeth that for the past 46 years I never smiled wide enough for anyone to see them. Having front teeth in this condition lowered my self-esteem and always made me feel inferior. I hated the way I looked. As I got older everyone would always continue to say, “You are so pretty” and I never could see what they meant. When I became a self-sufficient adult, I could never afford to get my front tooth fixed, so I had to grin and bear it and continue to feel self-conscious.
Recently I finally decided to crown my two front teeth. I still couldn’t afford to pay for them with cash, so I put the thousands of dollars expense on credit cards. I was so happy to finally be doing this for myself. The whole dental process was very long, which took two 3 hour dental sessions and a few shorter ones. I loved the temporary crowns my dentist put it twice and they immediately raised my self-esteem. I was so happy and proud of them. At the time I was feeling, this was the best investment I ever made in my life. I even told my dentist that and she was thrilled. Then this past Thursday, it was time to have the permanent crowns put it place. I couldn’t wait to have my new, white, permanent front teeth. Everything was going well as the dentist and her assistant prepared my mouth and the crowns to be put into place. It was exciting. Then, one of my biggest OCD fears happened. First let me briefly explain what my biggest OCD fear is….
The type of OCD I have is a fear of contamination. Having a fear of contamination it makes sense that I am deeply afraid of things that fall on the floor. When something falls on the floor inside, or outside my home, I have to pick it up wearing a latex glove and then I have to throw it away. I then throw the latex glove away. When I am out, I am afraid of the ground many, many times more than the floor in my home because people’s shoes, car tires, etc. touch that ground. My biggest OCD fear is gas – the gas a car uses. In Arizona we pump our own gas. Since the initial goal of my OCD brain is to put me in a fear as I try to live life, my OCD brain immediately and always tells me that gas is on the floor where people’s shoes go. How did it get there? From being at the bottom of people’s shoes from when they were at the gas station. After being at the gas station, the gas then transfers to everywhere they step.
Back to my dentist’s office as she and her assistant are preparing and putting in my new permanent crowns. As my dentist is trimming one of the crowns she will be putting in my mouth, the crown flies out of her hand, over me as I sat in the dentist’s chair and onto the floor. It falls on the floor right where her assistant always steps. Immediately my OCD brain tells me that there was gas on the floor in that spot and now it’s on and in my crown. I immediately start to sweat from a panic attack and I can’t count how many panic attacks with sweats I have had every time I think about this happening since then, which was just yesterday. My dentist did immediately pick the crown up from the floor and rinse it at the sink, but my OCD brain is still telling me that it has gas on it. I didn’t see the dentist change her latex gloves after picking it up from the floor, which she should have. After all, they wear latex gloves to prevent contamination. To my OCD brain changing her gloves would have cut the fear of contamination a little bit, but now it thinks the gas on the gloves is now all over my mouth too. If she had changed her gloves my OCD brain would have been relieved, by knowing any gas contamination that also may have been on the gloves was now disposed of. My OCD brain would have thought, “A new start”…well, at least with the gloves. Any amount of less contamination would have helped. I felt I couldn’t say, or suggest anything to the dentist to do, that might be able to help my OCD because her job was hers to control. If I did, my OCD brain would tell me that I made matters worse because situations from my past also have me feeling I cause damage to things by the decisions I make. Feeling that way, I left it all up to her. As I sat in the dentist’s chair, My OCD fearful thoughts continued as the process of the dentist and her assistant preparing my permanent crowns to be put in my mouth continued. During the final preparation the crowns were taken in and out of my mouth until perfect fits were reached. Meanwhile, my OCD brain kept telling me that the gas was in and on my new crown and on my own tooth that specific crown would be covering.
The final step was to cement the permanent crowns in place. My fearful OCD brain was now at it’s maximum level of fear knowing that the gas that was on my original tooth would now be covered forever with the permanent crown and therefore be inside of me forever and could never be removed. I want to run as far away as I could from that new front tooth. I am petrified of having my biggest OCD fear – gas – inside my own mouth – forever and ever. Every time I eat something with my fingers, I think there’s gas on my fingers from my mouth. Transference again. I’m afraid to open my mouth when I speak, as I fear I will spit out gas and damage things in my home.
I now hate my new teeth. Even though they look beautiful and I always wanted them, I now hate them. Many times each day since, my OCD thoughts relive and remind me of all of this that happened and they remind me of the contaminated tooth I have in my mouth. I always feel miserably depressed and I cry often. When I’m not crying, I feel like I want to. My most upsetting response to the tormenting OCD thoughts is wanting to knock my permanent crown out of my mouth to get rid of it and all of the gas contamination that’s in my mouth. What stops me? Probably the thought of having to spend over a thousand dollars again on that one tooth. I’m trying so hard to move forward and keep myself busy as the tormenting thoughts repeatedly pop up to torment me from time to time. I’m miserable and I hate life. I’m feeling the one thing I always wanted and did as a big gift for myself, was ruined too. Nothing ever works out for me. My life isn’t meant to be good.
What would have helped completely? If the crown broke when it fell on the floor and they had to make me a whole new one. That’s what helps my OCD when something falls on the floor…. Wear latex gloves to pick it up, throw it away and then throw away the latex gloves. It’s too late for that now. I have no one to talk to, to help me through this OCD fear. It is the weekend and plus it’s late at night and my therapist is sleeping. I could consider calling my dentist next week so she could reassure me that everything is fine with that crown knowing it fell on the floor, but I don’t want to make her feel guilty for dropping it.
I spoke to my best friend today and first she said to me, “Something fell on the floor that has to go in your mouth.” I was comforted that she shared my disgust and fear a bit. Then she said to me, “Of all people for this to happen to (knowing my fears).” That’s what I ask myself, “Why me?” I bet this has never happened to anyone else.
I’m left to suffer alone. As always OCD is mine and mine to suffer with alone. I was born not to have a good life. The one big gift I tried to give myself, to help myself in life, has failed. Nothing could be worse.
It’s on me now. It’s in me now. Forever. I can never run away from it. I am forever contaminated. I forever contaminate everything I touch. I am forever damaged. I forever damage everything I touch. My biggest OCD fear got me – and got me good.
