Note: Davy Crockett is not an American myth. He is an American legend. This stuff actually happened.
1. Davy received his independent streak partially from his ancestors: “Crockett” is derived from Monsieur de la Croquetagne, a captain of the Royal Guard of French King Louis XIV. Who was Croquetagne? Probably a ruthless killing machine that sniffed out would-be assassins and taught them what cold, sharp steel tasted like. Eventually Croquetagne and his family converted to Protestantism and settled in Ireland, recognizing the fact that if you want to gain a reputation as a hardcore national hero, it is better to be attached to being Irish than being French. Davy’s paternal grandfather was killed by Indians, and his father was a mountain man who fought as a soldier in the American Revolutionary War. This meant that Davy Crockett’s blood was already thick with lead, honor, and awesomeness.
2. When Davy Crockett was 8 years old, when most boys nowadays are content to play video games and develop entitlement issues, Davy approached his father and said he wanted to go hunting with a rifle. Davy’s dad said that he could not afford to waste ammunition on “a boy’s missed shots.” Davy promised that he would become the best marksman in human history. His dad shrugged and handed the rifle over, knowing that his son’s word was law.
3. When Davy Crockett was 13 years old, he got into a fight at school. You see, there was this bully who was harassing other students, so Davy decided to beat him nearly to death. However, his fighting prowess outweighed his foresight, and he realized that his dad was going to be super pissed at him. So, rather than go home, Davy spent three years roaming around Tennessee, during which time he honed his skills as a backwoodsman, hunter, trapper, ninja assassin, and all-around balls-out American warrior. While most American teens are poppin’ zits and gettin’ their driver’s permit, Davy Crockett was literally tearing wolves apart with his bare hands and using their pelts for clothes.
4. When Davy was almost 16, he came home, and his dad made him work for a guy named John Kennedy. While working for the Kennedy administration, Davy became engaged to a girl named Margaret Elder. However, once Margaret realized that she could never hope to be able to tame the wild heart of Crockett, she fled away and married someone else. This incident led Davy to decide that he was “only born for hardship, misery, and disappointment.” From that day forward, Crockett decided that he would no longer relent to the countless advances of the fairer sex, and instead dedicate his cold heart to more non-romantic courses of mind-blowing masculinity.
5. Well, actually, Davy found time to go through a couple marriages and have a bunch of kids. But then he remembered that he was Davy Fricking Crockett and signed up for the Tennesee Militia, where he was immediately assigned to join a regiment that marched south into present-day Alabama and fought a relentless 60-day battle in the Creek War against the Indians.
6. In just 60 days, Davy Crockett slaughtered so many human beings that he decided that the world needed a break from his killing ways and decided to try his hand at politics, despite despising the current President, Andrew Jackson, about which Crockett said “I bark at no man’s bid. I will never come and go, and fetch and carry, at the whistle of the great man in the White House no matter who he is.” Completely over-the-top insane ballsy political statements like that got him elected to the House of Representatives. However, concerning the matter of possibly getting re-elected, he said “I would serve them as faithfully as I had done, but if not… you may all go to Hell, and I will go to Texas.” When he lost the re-election, he heard there was a Revolution in Texas that he could join in for some fighting.
7. Davy Crockett walked out of his Tennessee home, leaving his latest wife and kids, wearing his hunting suit, coonskin cap, and carrying a rifle. By the time he reached Texas, he had made friends with an entourage of 65 well-armed gentlemen that joined him in his journey.
8. Davy Crockett participated in a little skirmish called the Battle of the Alamo. After a relentless days-long siege from the Mexican forces, the fighting became up-close and personal. Davy Crockett drew a knife, and the only account that was derived from a Mexican soldier was that by the time they discovered Davy’s body it was surrounded by a heap of sixteen dead men. Keep in mind, you only need one or two guys to kill most. It took sixteen to bring down the Crockett.
9. Davy Crockett never wasted his words and always said the most outrageously bold material ever uttered by mortal lips. Here are some examples of quotes from Davy Crockett:
I’m that same Davy Crockett, fresh from the backwoods, half-horse, half-alligator, a little touched with the snapping turtle, can wade the Mississippi, leap the Ohio, ride upon a streak of lightning, and slip without a scratch down a honey locust [tree.].”
“To sum it all up… I’m a horse. Goliath was a pretty hard colt but I could choke ‘im. I can take the rag off, frighten the old folks, astonish the natives, and beat the Dutch all to smash, make nothing of sleeping under a blanket of snow and don’t mind being frozen more than a rotten apple.”
“Congress allows lemonade to the members and has it charged under the head of stationery – I move also that whiskey be allowed under the item of fuel. For bitters I can suck away at a noggin of aquafortis, sweetened with brimstone, stirred with a lightning rod, and skimmed with a hurricane. I’ve soaked my head and shoulders in Salt River, so much that I’m always corned. I can walk like an ox, run like a fox, swim like an eel, yell like an Indian, fight like a devil, spout like an earthquake, make love like a mad bull, and swallow a Mexican whole without choking if you butter his head and pin his ears back.”
“Always be sure you are right, then go ahead.”
“I’m a screamer, and have got the roughest racking horse, the prettiest sister, the surest rifle, and the ugliest dog in the district… my father can whip any man in Kentucky and I can lick my father. I can outspeak any man on this floor, and give him two hours start. I can run faster, dive deeper, stay longer under, and come out drier than any chap this side the big swamp. I can outlook a panther and outstare a flash of lightning, tote a steamboat on my back and play at rough and tumble with a lion, and an occasional kick from a zebra.”
