Here is a second collection of clean humor suitable for Catholics and other Christians. Tired of the various dirty jokes that float around about ministers, priests and nuns? Here, taken from my thirty year collection of humor is a selection of jokes you can share with anyone.
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?” The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who’s more important than the president?
Cop: I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope driving for him!
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes a good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man “Don’t jump! Think of your father”
Man replies “Haven’t got a father; I’m going to jump.”
The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says “haven’t got one; going to jump.”
Desperate the cop yells up “Don’t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin”
Man replies “Who is that?”
Cop yells “Jump, Protestant! You’re blocking traffic!”
A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he’s kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. “Yes” is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.
An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says “Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama,” goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says “Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They’ve got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!”
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?”
Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog’s death. But, unfortunately, I can’t say Mass for the poor creature…”
Muldoon said, “I understand, Father, I do. I guess I’ll go to this new denomination down the road; no tellin’ what they believe… Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick: “Why didn’t you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!”
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes,” said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus.”
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.
St. Peter turns to the priest and says “This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books.”
The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!” St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.
They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says “This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want.
The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says “Well, now, don’t think I’m not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?”
St. Peter just laughs and says “You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!”
Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.
“Father,” said the Pope, “I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You’re not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you’ll never so much as mention the British in public again.”
“But Your Holiness, I – I – ” the priest stammered.
“No buts,” said the Pope. “Swear it here and now or there’ll be trouble!”
“Aye, Holy Father,” sighed the father. “All right. I swear it.”
The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.
He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, “And one of you shall betray Me.”
The priest continues: “Saint Andrew jumps up and says, ‘Is it I Lord?’ and the Lord says, ‘Nay, Andy darlin’, it’s not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.’
Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, ‘Is it I Lord?’ And the Lord says, ‘Nay, Johnny me boy, it’s not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.’
“Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, ‘Blimey, Mate. Ya think it’s me?”
A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, “My priest knows more than your rabbi.” The Jewish boy said, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”
An elderly man bursts into a priest’s study and says, ” I’ve got to tell you this. I’m 90 years old and for the seventy years I’ve been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then –wow!”
“How long has it been since your last Confession ?” asks the priest.
“I’ve never been to Confession. I’m Jewish”
“Then why are you telling me this?”
“I’m telling everyone!”
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
Father turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be….”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk…”
After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.”
Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.
He said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic.
The priest said, “But that’s not a sin! I wouldn’t feel bad about that if I were you!”
“But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed.”
The priest said, “Well, I admit that certainly wasn’t the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life — but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don’t worry about it too much; God forgives.”
The man said, “Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you — Do I have to tell him the war is over?”
