I am the mother of a “special needs” child, and although he still lives at home with me, many of his school friends have now moved to group homes. Why? Well, for some parents, it’s simply a matter of no longer being able to tend to the child. Maybe the child needs round-the-clock nursing which the mom and/or dad are no longer able and/or willing to provide. For other parents, age, money issues, health problems of their own, and other factors could encourage the decision to house the child in a group home.
As a parent of a special needs child, and having had two other “normal” kids, I found that, although difficult to watch any child move away from home, it’s much easier to accept the absence of the “normal” kids than of the “special needs” child. I think that’s because, although a parent worries so much about all their kids, the parent knows deep down inside that the special needs child doesn’t stand a chance – without someone to take care of him or her.
When a so-called normal child moves away, you wish them the best, you hope to see them make a life for themselves, and you look forward to the day when they’ll be announcing the coming of grandchildren. For the special needs child none of this is likely. For this child, your dreams lean more towards survival, and seeing the child get the care and respect he or she deserves.
One of the biggest decisions – and there are many throughout the special needs child’s life – is opting to place him in a group home. Having spoken to several parents that eventually made this decision, the feeling is similar to giving the child away. Although group homes allow the parents and family to visit – even take the child off the grounds – knowing that the child will no longer live with you is a heartbreaking realization.
Many parents, having learned that their child is a special needs child, gallantly promise to keep him by their sides forever, giving him the best life they possibly can. And for some, that’s how it goes. They raise the child, school him, help him dress – whatever it takes. But for others, a realization sets in that there’s no possible way to handle the child’s needs alone.
The term “special needs” covers handicaps and disabilities ranging from slightly learning disabled to severely mentally and physically handicapped. For the former, some minor adjustments may be needed to take care of the child. For the latter, a full time position of monitoring the child, grooming, dressing, feeding and transporting the child may be the order of business – day in and day out.
I’ll never forget the day one of my son’s classmates’ mom asked if my son could come spend the day with hers. I worried that she wouldn’t be able to take care of both boys, but finally allowed him to go. She later told me that her child behaved so well while his friend – my son – was at her house. Feeling the need to pay back the favor, I invited her son to spend an afternoon with us. Although I really didn’t know the child, he was ambulatory and I felt like I could take care of him with no problem. Wow, was I wrong!
The child ran around the house, destroying objects, grabbing at anything he could, running from me, refusing to listen or obey anything I said, getting into the fridge and throwing items into the floor, and this went on and on. I literally could not sit down for 10 seconds before he was at it again. He actually escaped from me, ran down the steps and into the garage, and before I could catch him, he had picked up the gas can and poured gas all over himself!
To make a long story short, I was exhausted, my house was wrecked, the child had almost killed himself, had he drank the gasoline, and I felt like I had really let the woman down. After she retrieved the child, I spent many hours pondering the fate of him, of her, and of their family.
There are trained professionals who are expert at taking care of children like my son’s friend. Although most parents of special needs children don’t have the means to hire a professional, the state will generally assist in the cost of housing children in a home where they can get this specialty care.
Strict guidelines are in place nowadays, making group homes much more pleasant for special needs children. Before these guidelines, children were often placed in homes then left to die, basically. Very little care was administered to them, abuse was evident, and their personal care left much to be desired. Now, group homes are expected to care for the kids or adults, entertain them, seek out things specifically for the child’s interests, and help them with all aspects of their personal care.
On the agenda at many group homes now are things like bowling, Christmas parties, going out to eat together, seeing movies at a theater, and even outings with their families. We often see my son’s friends, from one of the local group homes, out and about, having fun. We’ve seen them at the bowling alley, a popular local all-you-can-eat buffet, the YMCA for swimming lessons, and even at church. Many of the children hold down regular or part time jobs and are shuttled to and fro.
If you’re the parent of a special needs child, and you’re considering placing your child in a group home, do a little research to find the best establishment for your child. Know ahead of time that there will be an adjustment period for the child – usually the first couple of weeks. The child may not be allowed to participate in any of the activities if he’s acting out or misbehaving. This will pass, as most of the kids adapt and are happy to be amongst many of their friends.
For the parents, the occasion can be very sad, but have peace in your heart. We accept the fact that our other children lead their own lives, move out and move on, so accept this for your special needs child as well. Although his or her life isn’t the typical way a parent sees her child move on, it is, sometimes, the only choice for a special needs child. Take comfort in the fact that you can visit your child whenever you wish, plan outings on the weekends with them, even call them daily. Most of the homes have a phone that is shared, so time is often limited on the phone, but you usually have the option of having a phone placed directly in the child’s room.
Placing your special needs child in a group home doesn’t mean you don’t love him or that you’re a bad parent. It just means you’ve come to realize that you need a little help. Accepting the fact that you’re unable to completely care for the child yourself means the child will be getting even better care. Once you’ve accepted it, you can start scheduling some activities and visitations. The calmer you are about the transfer the easier the child/adult will accept it as well.
