In this day and age all one has to do to be anything is to simply go to a search engine and do a search on their computer. My case in point – becoming a preacher. In no way is this opinion column to be taken seriously. And certainly I mean no offense to the profession of the Church.
So read on and learn what I learned by the click of my mouse.
So you need advise from a preacher? Well look no farther. I have joined the ranks of becoming a Minister. But I had a different calling than most Ministers. You see, it wasn’t the voice of God that called upon me. It was my computer. ….. guess I had better start from the beginning;
I have a `page’ on my internet service called `CRaYON. It stands for `CReate Your Own Newspaper’. In it, I have 8 online Newspapers from around the U.S. as well as one from Scotland. I like to read what’s going on in this country of ours. In `CRaYON’, I also have a search area where I can look up anything by subject. For example, I might type “Airbag” and hit the search button to locate anything that has been printed in one of my newspapers about airbags.
Anyhow, I had heard about a New World church that had a lot of folks upset. Ministers were speaking out against it but not as loud as the IRS. It seems people were joining the `Universal Life Church’ so they could claim certain liberties with tax money. Churches are Tax Exempt and these types of churches were handing out certificates to ordain anyone who made a little donation. Ah, the catch.
I thought I would check out this `Universal Life Church’ on my search page in `CRaYON’. I found that the State of Tennessee was filing charges against the `Church’ and an article that people were contacting State Officials to see if Marriages performed by these `Ministers’ were indeed legal.
I continued my search which led me to a Web Page of the `ULC’ and there in plain English was how to become an ordained minister right over the internet….. for free! Well heck, I always wondered what it felt like to be ordained so I pushed the button. In about 15 seconds I received a very nice certificate from the `Universal Life Church’ signed by Bishop Kirby J Hensley, President. I was ORDAINED!
Oh my goodness, what had I gotten myself into? They Emailed me a list of Degrees I could also acquire … by sending a donation. For only $100, I could receive a Phd in Religion. Or for $200, I could take a `Common Law’ course that would allow me to represent folks in court. Of course they also make a small note that, “You might have some trouble with judges letting you practice in court…” Yea, I bet so. I would bet if I called myself a Minister, every REAL Minister would be chasing me down the street, chunking rocks at me.
Well, what to do??? I guess I can claim my flock as all those sinful dogs in town. I can marry all those fleabags to one another who are `Dating’ and that way all those Daddyless pups could draw Pup Support and ease the financial burden of the owners. I may marry dogs and even birds and hamsters. I
also, could do funerals for cats, blessings for goldfish and even council donkeys that are having a `lovers spat’.
