The world couldn’t be in a worse state right now, and we’re ripe for the picking. With all of our forces spread out all over the places and citizens having less and less trust in the government, we could be invaded and easily stomped like little ants. Like tiny little unarmed Umpa-loompas. We’ve known for years of their existence. From the crashes in New Mexico, Area-51. Where all those artifacts and technology are being researched from alien worlds. How do you think we developed that wicked Swingline stapler? or Frisbees! Even with all that knowledge the government has done nothing to prepare. I know because I’ve seen the garage at the Whitehouse. Do you really think if we had some futuristic transport or gunship that the president wouldn’t have one parked next to his Lincoln Continental? I know I would.
None has to suffer for the indifference of the government though. We know how they act, and how they think. The way they move, their allergies, likes and dislikes. This guide will teach you how to utilize the information to survive when they finally come down to take us hostage. Make sure you and your family don’t get turned into Soylent Green.
ESP: Yes, they have ESP. They can read our thoughts and control our minds. Over half the country will be walking automatons within hours of their landing. Those old myths about aluminum foil on your head are WRONG. It’s well known that when something is crafted and created, that the essence of the person is put into it. It’s also well known that the dumber you are, the harder it is to control your mind. This is why we know for a fact that large Salad Bowls from the Martha Stuart collection will ensure that when the mental probes go out, you’ll be seen as an impenetrable, brainless nitwit, just like Martha. Pick one up at Kmart right away.
Swingline Plasma Gun: This is where we got the design for the swingline stapler. It even looks like a giant stapler when they wield it, but take heed! That swingline plasma gun fires a deadly blast of non-nutritious fusion balls. While they may look and smell like typical rum balls they are in fact plasma mixed with a concoction that seems to resemble highly acidic coffee. We’ve discovered that the only real way to survive getting hit with these acidic coffee-plasma balls is to maintain a heavy diet of Kahlua. It may not taste the best, but you wont notice after the first 6 shots.
Squidis: The grays have their own little “infantry” called Squidis. These creatures stand the normal height of a man and are covered in short lime-green tendrils that glow in the dark. These tendrils hang from various parts of their bodies. They stand upright just like we do, with nearly the same anatomy. However they talk rapidly and extremely hard to understand. They are easily angered, and when they became so they begin to flail their arms in all directions, kicking and banging their head about. While we are unable to determine their weakness, we’ve discovered that they are rather unintelligent creatures. We’ve found that the best thing to do is to blend in with them. Using glowstick that hang from your clothes with clips you can walk among them without ever being detected. If they start to get aggravated and fall into a trance of flailing and kicking then just do what they do. Try not to lose a glowstick though you don’t want to blow your cover.
When it’s safe to eat: The Grays will do all they can to eradicate us, that includes poisoning our food supplies with large amounts of radiation. What they don’t know is that there is a single recipe that can withstand radiation. A plate of Chili-cheese fries. Unfortunately in order for it to be effective it has to be eaten at around 3am. This seems to be when its at its strongest and can withstand the radiation. We believe it has something to do with the alignment of the moon.
Using these tactics, you will guarantee your survival and be able to stay in hiding and relatively safe until the day in which we can all unite and fight back. Don’t worry, don’t think for a second that you’re alone. We are a super-secret society. We practice all the above every weekend. You will find us in the bars and clubs, secretly practicing our skills, refining our craft. We practice the aggravated moves to dance music, with our glowsticks and our bowl hats, drinking Kahlua as often as possible. And afterward, we always ALWAYS make sure we get our chili-cheese fries at the coney island right around 3am. For some reason, it always tastes better at that time. We know it has everything to do with its potency.
We will unite, we will be victorious. They’ll never take us alive.
