Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes : A-List Funny Award Acceptance Speech
“Thank you…I’m a little full right now because I just ate Tori Spelling…And I want to thank her for being able to take a joke, and I’m going to try my hardest not to tell her that she looks like a man anymore; it’s mean and it’s not nice, even if it’s true, it’s not nice, so I’m not going to do it…And I want to thank you very very much because I have the stupidest job in Hollywood, so thank you for voting for me whoever did; you should be ashamed of yourself…thank you.”
The funniest part of this I actually think is how she refers to herself as having the stupidest job in Hollywood.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes : David Hasselhoff & Paula Abdul
The following quote was said to David Hasselhoff:
“I don’t know what you’re on, but stop sending it to Paula Abdul.”
Paula Abdul jokes are getting a little old, but I think the connection she makes between the two is funny.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes : I’m drinking so…
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
This is a funny quote because there are situations were there is truth to what she said.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes : People I don’t trust
“There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.”
I like this one because, surprisingly or not, I’ve never heard of any sticker collecting jokes.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes : Angelina Jolie
“I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I was staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture. At first I thought he was just pissed about his mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to every other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, “When the (bleep) are we gonna get to Malibu, (bleep)?”
This is a funny because, in a way, there could be some truth to that sentiment.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes : Heidi Montag
“It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.”
This is a funny quote because she takes it in a direction I didn’t see coming.
Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes : Star Wars Fans
(said to a line of guys waiting to see Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith) “Hey, if you guys are all here, who’s working at Best Buy?”
I like this quote because, true or not, it just feels true.
Sources:
Handler, Chelsea. My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands
Handler, Chelsea. Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.
YouTube.com (www.youtube.com)
E, Chelsea Lately.
