Fatherhood: What Fathers of Teenage Boys Need to Know

My three sons taught me a lot about life. I had the erroneous idea that I was going to “mold” these boys; that I was going to teach and be an example of perfection. Yes, I figured they would hang on my every word and gesture.

When I was a young father I thought what every boy wanted was a bike; a video game system; sports equipment; money and,” fun outings. In fact, my wife used to call me “Disney Dad”. I was right. These items were what they wanted until they were about twelve. At that point I became incompetent. I felt much like the court jester trying to get the king to laugh unaware the king suffered from appendicitis; I was clueless.

As I struggled, I became aware of mood changes. These boys were not typically sad, yet, now they were happy one minute, and, the next minute, they were morose. Further, they sassed; they talked back. They had never done that before. Luckily I didn’t react the way I initially wanted to.

When my sons would “blow up’, the same words and phrases would come up in the conversation. “You don’t trust me”; “You don’t respect what I have to say”; “The only reason you did that was because…”

It didn’t take long for me to get exasperated. My arsenal was limited. My father was an alcoholic so I had no role model. I was limited in what I could relate to. All I knew was I felt that I had tried, and, they didn’t care. Truly, my feelings were hurt; I felt betrayed.

Yes, the story has a happy ending. The reason it does is that I grew up. I took my focus off myself and put it where it belonged; on my sons.

It really wasn’t so hard after all. Kids live in a competitive world. That competition comes from many different “pressure points”. The biggest place it comes from is peers. It may be direct or indirect. A teenage boy may get left out of a group; not invited to a party; or, they may have less facial hair than a classmate. Everything is noticed and internalized. They are constantly seeking reassurance as a result of this turmoil. The logical place is their parents, and more specifically, their father, since he is the same sex. Additionally, he is a major player in their world. If he says they should be respected then that means something.

That is what I think a father of a teenage boy needs to know. His sons, starting somewhere around age twelve or thirteen, begin to struggle. This struggle is against their body; it is against their peer group; and to some extent it is against their father. They are struggling to achieve acceptance, respect, trust; they are struggling to become an adult.

A father has to learn to give authority away a little at a time, but, it has to be in a timely fashion.

When I began to sit and talk with my sons; when I began to ask their advice on matters; when I began to give them compliments without being asked, then, they relaxed and blossomed.

I think a lot of times people think girls are more complex than boys. That isn’t fair to either sex. It is amazing how complex all children are; to forget that is to lose great opportunities.