The University of Alabama’s football program is as storied and as polarizing as they come. Fans of the Crimson Tide tend to be vocal and raucous which is great, I suppose, when they are isolated from the rest of us, but it can get rather tiring for outsiders forced to mix with them on a regular basis. The repetitive playing of a 40 year old Karaoke song, constant unethical behavior of the program, revisionist history regarding their winning past, deviant celebratory actions and Bammer-ness of the Bammers is a big bummer when you have to deal with this fan base annually. Welcome to the SEC, Texas A&M; and Mizzou. I hope you guys don’t judge our fine conference by this particular fan base.
Disclaimer: The author did not write this piece in malice, but merely intends to inspire some good-natured ribbing during the 2012 football season and beyond.
10: Sweet Home Alabama. Seriously, do you guys have any other songs? Is it really sweet to call Alabama home? You guys do know that blue skies aren’t exclusive to your state, right? I guess we can’t all be from places with rich music traditions. Get out of your Bama bubble.
9: Probation. Your football program spends more time on probation than Lindsay Lohan.
8: Embarrassing the SEC. Nick Saban led the Alabama Crimson Tide to a 21-14 loss to the University of Louisiana-Monroe and a 31-17 loss to the Utah Utes in the Sugar Bowl. UL-Monroe beat you in Tuscaloosa? Aren’t they from the Sun Belt Conference? That stings. You brought shame to the 11 other teams of the SEC. Hold your horses, Texas A&M; and Mizzou.
7: Crimson Tide. You named your team the Crimson Tide? Just how much coastline does your state have exactly?
6: Houndstooth. I imagine that Bama fans had never seen this sartorial pattern before Bear Bryant arrived on their campus; it is a bit sophisticated for this bunch. The fabric itself is not inherently bad, but when you put it on baseball caps, overalls, sneakers, bandanas and tee shirts you look like a Bammer.
5: Bear Bryant. What does a Bama fan have in common with a maggot? Both can spend 30 years living off of a dead Bear. Bear Bryant immortalized in bronze is one thing, but being coached by the man in bronzer is another.
4: Teabagging. You celebrate a national championship by placing your genitals on the opposing team’s face? Classy, really classy.
3: Roll Tide. Every time I hear their fans scream “ROLL TAWD TOLL” in that grating drawl I can’t help but wonder what this poor Todd fellow did to deserve such derision. It really reminds me of a long lost scene from “Deliverance.” Enunciate, people!
2: Self-Entitled Fans. Bama fans possess a sense of self-entitlement that makes fans of the Dallas Cowboys look mild.
1: Fake Championships. Bama’s self-entitled fans love to gloat about the Crimson Tide’s 14 national championships. Many of these “championships” were retroactively awarded and others were just awarded by random people and small town newspapers, not even true papers of record or sporting authorities. Don’t be like that, guys. You know it’s a little sketchy. You have many legitimate accomplishments and don’t need to make yourselves look bad with mythical national championships. Notre Dame abides by “consensus standards” when listing its national championships, so maybe you guys should take a similar approach.
