Growing up in a household with a parent diagnosed with bipolar disorder can be really difficult to say the least. The rollercoaster ride of Manic and Depressive moods can take a toll on you as well. For me, my father’s illness led to abusive outbursts at anytime of the day. There are 20 things to keep in mind that will help you emerge from this difficult situation with sanity. These are 20 things I have learned through my experience that if I had known back when I was a child/teenager, would have made the experience a little more smooth. These tips can apply to anyone that has a parent or loved one with bipolar, another mental illness, or is abusive in some form. I know my experience may be different than yours, but these tips will help anyone that dreads going home due to the toxicity and abusive environment in the household.
1. It’s not your fault. You don’t know how many years I went thinking that it was my fault for my dad’s violent outbursts and hurtful words. You did not do anything wrong and you do not deserve the abuse. Bipolar parents tend to flip things around to project their pain or frustration onto you.
2. Your parent is a person as well. We tend to look at our parents as our first loves and that they can do no wrong. The more you mature the more you will start seeing them as human beings that make mistakes as well. We can stop expecting certain things from them because they are doing the best they can. We can now take them off a pedestal and this frees them up and us as well.
3. Which goes to my next point, your mom or dad cannot help it. If they could, they would not be hurting their child. Whenever they say hurtful things or do hurtful things, look at it as the illness talking and not really them.
4. You have the choice when you are an adult to love them from a distance. This may be hard for some people because of the guilt that can come up. This guilt comes up because they are our parent. We wish things could be differently. Sometimes space and time is healthy for relationships. And sometimes you need to walk away from a relationship. Honor yourself enough to know when it feels right to walk away. You always have the choice.
5. Don’t take it out on yourself or siblings. When I was younger and dealing with my dad’s angry outbursts, I did not know how to deal with my own emotions. I had so much anger, frustration, and hurt in me. So I would take it out on myself with suicidal thoughts and I took it out on my younger sister. Talking to someone about what you are going through is very helpful. Allow those emotions to come to the light instead of balling them up like a volcano waiting to erupt. When we do not express our emotions that is when we hide them and we can have suicidal thoughts, self inflicted pain, depression, etc. Another great thing to do is to journal. Writing is very healing. Or finding a creative outlet to express the pain and to tap into your joy is very beneficial.
6. Do things you enjoy to keep your mind from dwelling on negativity. For me, I loved baths. I took so many baths to relax and de-stress. Music and Writing were also my outlets. Find your outlet. Find what really resonates with you. Wherever you focus your energy, is what your world will be like. Focus on the beauty and joy that is all around you. Just open your eyes to it.
7. Forgiveness and Acceptance. I spent so much energy feeling resentful towards my father when I was younger that it was actually hurting me. I also spent so much time wishing my situation would be another way. But the situation is what it is. Instead of resisting it, accept it. Also forgive. And the definition I’m using for forgiveness is to realize that it had to play out this way, it was inevitable. So to accept it for what it is, is forgiveness. Honor the feelings you may have towards them, but remember from point 3, they are doing the best they can. Also, most importantly forgive yourself continually. It is okay to feel these feelings towards them. It is natural, but let them go. The more we hold on to negative emotions the more we give our energy away.
8. Let go of the fear that you will be bipolar too. We create our world with our beliefs so if you are spending a lot of time worrying about becoming bipolar like them, you might trigger those symptoms. You have the choice to repeat any abusive cycles. Many people go their whole lives trying to prove they are not like their parents. Just be you. That is enough. Save the energy of trying to suppress or resist certain things and live as authentically as you can. Whatever will be, will be.
9. You can only control your actions. When they are going through their manic-depressive cycle, that is their issue. If they’re feeling depressed, you don’t have to be depressed also. Even though you feel that gloomy energy in the home, you can still choose to lighten up. Do your favorite things, journal, exercise, get out the house, do something creative, incorporate bright colors into your room or wardrobe.
10. You can’t save them. You are not giving up on them by accepting the fact that you can’t save them. Everything really does happen for a reason and as painful as it might be, this is something they need to go through.
11. Don’t take it personally. There are a lot of mean and hurtful things that your parent can say to you. Keep in mind that they are only expressing their own pain or frustration. Whatever they say has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to listen to the illness’s frustration. This will help you to release the feeling that something is wrong with you, or that you deserve to be punished.
12. Let go of ill feelings so you can move forward. There can be so many emotions that we suppress even into our adult years. We say we’re over it maybe because we choose to forget our abusive childhood, but it takes some soul searching to acknowledge suppressed feelings. It’s okay to deal with them. Acknowledging them will help you move forward. Until you face them, you will be doing the same patterns emotionally and in relationships. Heal these emotions so you can finally be free of the emotional baggage and move forward.
13. Learn how to nurture and protect yourself. We look to our parents to nurture and protect us, but when you have a bipolar parent, most of the time they are incapable of doing so and are actually the one harming us. Take your power back and realize that the nurturer and protector that you have been looking for or waiting for, is You!
14. Don’t feel ashamed of having a parent with a mental illness. Open up and talk about it. You may find that people have similar home situations as you. You will realize that your story and painful times is very important to tell. It can help others and by telling it, it helps you to free yourself from it. You can even try to find local groups that have other people that have dealt with a bipolar parent or parents with mental illnesses.
15. Let go of the victimhood. This is something that you will have to feel out with your heart, but everything in Life is really for us and not against us. By letting go of thinking things are against you, you get your power back and Life doesn’t look as gloomy to you. It actually is beautiful. Perception. Perception. Perception.
16. Break free of the prison you created for yourself. When I was younger, I had built up thick walls of protection. I did this, to be able to handle my dad. You were always on pins and needles not knowing when he would have an outburst or attack. So I hid all my feelings. I didn’t want to be vulnerable because I felt that was weak and he could attack me then. I basically hid myself from myself. A lot of the defense mechanisms we learned as a child do not serve us anymore. Let go of putting your guard up. Let Love in. Realize that vulnerability is strength and that is when you are truly invulnerable. You will no longer constantly be protecting yourself and worried of one hit breaking your walls down. To have loving relationships in your life, you have to love yourself and let go.
17. Heal the past by letting the past be just that-the past. The past is over and the future has not come yet. All we have and will ever have is now. So let this present moment be beautiful. You have the choice on whether you choose Love or Fear. Learn from the past and move forward.
18. It’s okay to cry. Let it all out. It’s okay to feel your feelings. This is the only way to be free of them. To face them and feel them. This goes back to point 13, to be your own nurturer, you have to give yourself permission to feel. This is how we heal even though our society may tell us to close up and suppress feelings. Free yourself up.
19. Educate yourself on Bipolar disorder. We can be frustrated when we don’t know why something is happening. Read up on the symptoms and how to deal with someone with bipolar disorder.
20. Love. Choose Love. Choose healing. Choose freedom. You have the choice on what you focus on. Love yourself enough to move on.
