Tips to Help Children Deal with Parental Separation

It’s no secret that America has a high percentage of divorce rates. More often than not, children fall victim and end up suffering throughout the divorce or parental separation. Parents who are divorcing or separating need to concentrate on ways to help their children deal with the changes. If you are reading this article, then you are taking a step in the right direction.

Experts agree that divorce and parental separation affects children, what they don’t agree on are the levels in which children are affected or the lasting affects. Every child is different even though some children in particular age groups may experience many of the same feelings, parents need to watch for signs. Many children act out emotions, some withdraw and others show behavioral problems

• Anger- If your child seems to be angry, this could be a sign. Depending how much the child knows about the circumstances of the parental separation, the child may have feelings of blame towards one or both parents. A child can also be angry with themselves believing they are the cause of the divorce.

• Sadness– Many children show signs similar to depression, they feel a great sadness and it’s hard for them to get through the blues. Adults have compared divorce to dealing with a death, where they feel as though someone has died. Children experience the same emotion but lack the knowledge to deal with emotions.

• Nightmares– If a child is severely affected by the divorce, nightmares are common for anyone who has suffered some sort of trauma. Even if your child isn’t having nightmares, what about sleep problems? Often children go to bed with thoughts rambling in their minds and it’s difficult to sleep with so many unsolved problems.

• Anxiety- Parental separation can be so traumatic to a child that the child can develop a phobia so to speak. If you and your spouse argued, then your child saw other adults argue, even though these aren’t violent situations, it could spark memories and your child could associate arguing with divorce. Leading your child to believe that if people argue, then they will utimately separate, just like mom and dad. If your child shows any signs of anxiety, talk to your doctor immediately because anxiety is a very important condition to monitor.

In essence, a separation really is a loss of something important and can be compared to grieving the loss of a person. Not everyone favors change, especially if there’s a stable routine in place. Children can feel unstable. If a family’s routine is pizza on Friday night, the child may feel literally like it’s the end of the world because what are we gonna do on Friday night now? Parent’s need to look at the changes the child will be making. What are the normal things that may change? Parent’s need to really look at activities that are considered routine and stick with them as much as possible. Continue to eat pizza every Friday night.

Both parents need to remain involved with the child. New living arrangements, new schedule, new nightly routine, all of this is damaging and as much as parents may hate to do it, you may be looking at each other every day for quite awhile longer. If daily contact isn’t possible due to pending situations with the separation, let the child talk on the phone with their parent and have unlimited contact via phone. It’s important for a child to gradually adjust.

Children aren’t the only ones who become distressed about change, parents do too. If a parent is going through the blues after a divorce, don’t let your child counsel you. Don’t expect them to sit at the kitchen table, watching you cry and telling them things they shouldn’t hear. You are the parent and that’s not fair to the child. What ends up happening is the child is put in the middle. The child will resent and question the other parent, in turn that parent will tell the child something about the other parent and confusing the child. While it’s difficult for adults to cope with the end of results of a separation, be attentive to your child and don’t put them in the middle. It’s up to a parent to act as an adult and provide what a child needs, not the other way around.

If a child feels guilty, talk to them often and explain to them that they are not to blame. A lot of children who feel as though they are the one to blame for a divorce, tend to hold that emotion inside, bottled up painfully. The best thing you can do is talk to your child, tell them often that you love them and remind them that they are important. Remind them that this is an adult matter and the separation has nothing to do with them. It’s so easy for a child to blame themselves, thinking things they may have done resulted in the divorce.

If your child speaks about some of the feelings they are experiencing, share your feelings with them in an age appropriate way and let them know you understand. If a child says I miss mom or dad, tell them there’s things that you miss too. It’s good to relate with them and it opens up a line of communication that is vital during this time. Don’t ever listen to someone who tells you, “just don’t talk about it”, don’t you feel better after you get things off of your chest? Children do too. It’s easy to feel alone and to keep feelings inside. Ask them questions, children know what they are feeling even if they don’t understand why. Children will need some extra attention, monitor them closely and talk about changes.

One common mistake parents make is letting a child act out aggression, letting bad behavior slip just because “the child is going through a hard time”. When’s the last time someone gave you a break for having a bad day? Could you slap your boss and get away with it…….not likely! Children need structure, they need boundaries and there’s no exception when it comes to behavior. It’s quite common for a parent to lose sight of their child after a parental separation, then a child, as a teen is more likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol looking for a cure to the painful memories that dwell within them. Consistency in discipline is a must, along with keeping as many things normal as possible.

Ultimately, if your child has showed one or more signs and talking just isn’t solving the problem then it may be time to seek the help of a counselor. If your child is affected deeply, counseling may be the only option to help them. Sometimes a parent may need counseling too. Whatever the case may be, no one can deal with divorce alone. Remember, children are just little people and we teach them how to live in this world until they’ve experienced enough to manage on their own. Virtually everyone involved in a divorce goes through a transition phase that affects each individual differently, place your child as the first priority on your list to ensure a happier tomorrow for your family.