Categories: Parenting

The Happiest Toddler on the Block

Chances are if you have a toddler in your house you’re quite familiar with tantrums. Bless their little hearts-they’re only trying to assert their independence but, geez, those tantrums can age even the most even-tempered parent within minutes. One of the best resources we were given was a DVD called, “The Happiest Toddler on the Block,” by Dr. Harvey Karp, M.D.

The video features Dr. Karp interacting with real people-his patients-having common struggles of coping with defiant, stubborn toddlers. He presents ideas in a gentle, loving and caring way to help parents realize that in order to help their children, they need to take a respectful and calm approach rather than a physical one. The following are some of the terrific treasures offered in this video:

Three Main Points:

Before a parent can even think of trying one of the techniques offered by Dr. Karp, he says there are three things they must learn first:

The “Fast Food Rule”: In an interesting analogy, he asks parents to imagine what happens when they go to order food at a fast-food restaurant. The service person never just takes our order and asks for our money; she always repeats our order back to us to let us know she “gets” what we said (our agenda) then she asks for our money (her agenda). This rule states when our toddlers are in the throws of a tantrum (or about to start up), we need to let them know we understand what they’re upset about before we can get them to listen to us. After all, wouldn’t you be more willing to listen to someone when they’re being calm and showing they understand rather than a person who’s just yelling “no” expecting us to follow along?

Your Toddler Is A Caveman: By “caveman” Karp refers to the prehistoric way toddlers behave: they grunt and point to communicate, they wipe their noses on their arms and display their emotions in extremes. He’s trying to say if we see our toddlers as little cavemen, instead of little adults, we’d have better luck in getting through to them.

“Toddler-ese” This is a way of speaking to toddlers in their own language. Sometimes when parents are trying to talk to their toddlers, they forget they’re speaking to a child. As Karp says, “parents use too many words.” The idea is to get down and talk to the child at their understanding level.

What To Do When Techniques Don’t Work:

Karp says there are some toddlers out there who are very tenacious and resist these techniques. In these situations, you can (a) offer a hug, (b) distract or offer a solution or, as a final resort, (c) ignore them or simply walk away. Now, if the child is doing something dangerous, obviously, ignoring isn’t the best solution. But when a child is over the top and not listening to you or even responding, walking away for a few seconds can be an opportunity to calm down (for all sides) and go back and try again. Even Karp says this won’t hurt the toddler. Both parent and child need a break when things get rough.

Prevention:

Knowing the techniques is an excellent start. Near the end of the video, Karp offers some helpful prevention tips parents can try to nip a tantrum in the bud:

Avoid problem situations: If Junior gets cranky half way through a grocery trip, don’t take him next time. If Suzy freaks out because an environment is too busy or loud, try to find a quieter play place. The point Karp tries to make is if parents know a specific situation will trigger a tantrum, avoid it or, if that isn’t possible, at least prepare them for it.
Good Communication: This is key in any relationship, even with toddlers. Communication goes both ways though: this means listening with our ears open and our mouths shut (as hard as that may be sometimes.) If a child learns you’ll listen and try to understand, they’ll be more willing to listen to you when you want to communicate what you want to say.
“Feed the Meter”: This simply means giving little words of encouragement, or other feel good rewards throughout the day to let your child know you care and that you’re proud of them. In other words, catch them doing something right. Praise him when he’s already being good. It encourages the behaviour you want them to display and it sure strengthens their self-esteem. If we really pay attention, we probably condone a lot more than we praise. We feel good when someone compliments us out of the blue, so imagine what it does for our toddlers!
Teach Patience: Here Karp suggests teaching your toddler things can’t always happen right away. In the video, he used the example of filling the request for a cookie but holding the cookie back for a few seconds saying, “Oh…just a second sweetie…” then giving to the child. This practice teaches the age-old expression, “Good things happen to those who wait.”

In addition to these suggestions, there are specific questions asked by the parents about the techniques and what to do in specific situations Karp didn’t cover in his general review. Karp addresses these questions with more helpful suggestions, providing even more alternatives for frustrated parents who can’t get the techniques to work for them.

Pluses and Minuses:

This is an excellent DVD for parents of average toddlers who have mild to moderate tantrums or behavioral struggles. It offers tremendously helpful tidbits and advice from an expert on children and toddlers, who’s actually tried the techniques with success. It also allows us the opportunity to watch some of the techniques being practiced by real parents.

With all these positives in mind, there are a couple of things parents should keep in mind. I found none of the techniques would be appropriate for my Jaimie The tone of voice and level of excitement you must use for the Toddler-ese would upset Jaimie even more because the sound and animation of the voice level needed would drive her crazy. Jaimie is also very sensitive and would feel we’re making fun of her behaviour. Finally, Jaimie’s tantrums stem from extreme sensory sensitivity and, usually, the only solution for her is to remove her from the current situation.

In a nutshell, the video focuses on children who have “normal” toddler behaviour. If you have a special needs child or one with more serious behavioral issues than those discussed on the video, you may want to ask your child’s therapist or pediatrician. If anything, it can teach parents how to take a calmer approach in dealing with their toddlers. And what parents can’t use a little advice in that area from time to time?