Cheap Momma Has Selective Listening

Those crazy boys and girls at NIMS have been at it again. Yes, it’s true. The National Institute for Made-up Statistics released new information that over 89.4% of mothers nationwide have developed a condition very similar to the Selective Hearing found in men. The condition is called Selective Listening and it affects mothers with children of all ages. Selective Listening is most commonly found in mothers with talkative children, though it can also be found in mothers with colicky babies and fussy infants.

So I’d just like to say here and now…Hello, my name is Cheap Momma and I have Selective Hearing. You know admitting it really is the first step. My boys are talkers. My oldest, in particular, has not stopped talking or making noise of some sort since the moment he was born. Seriously, do not put that kid in the front seat of the car on a long trip unless you are prepared for a very lengthy conversation.

A few weeks back, one of my boys was helping me do the dishes. I was washing, he was rinsing. I have issues with kids washing the dishes, but that is a whole other column. Anyway, he was just chat chat chatting away. Talking his little heart out and I was nodding and smiling and saying “uh-huh” at the appropriate (or at least what I hoped were the appropriate moments) until he said, “So can I, Mom?” Dang. I was caught. I realized at that moment I had not heard a word he’d said. Not. A. Single. Word. I had no clue what he was asking for my permission to do because I’d been tuning him out completely.

I was unsure of what to do. I couldn’t just agree. I mean he could have been asking if he could dismantle his bunk beds and turn them into a skateboard ramp. Honestly. He may have asked if he could shave his sister’s head bald or get a tattoo of a tiger on his chest. It could have been anything. Agreeing would be crazy. On the other hand, I wasn’t about to admit that I hadn’t been listening to him. That would surely cause self-esteem issues and put him into years of therapy where he would sit on the couch and tell his shrink that I’d never really “heard” him. So I did what any sane mother would do. I smiled down at him, shrugged my shoulders and said, “We’ll see.”

Crisis averted. No skate park, no tattoo, no shaved head. “We’ll see” is the perfect answer for any situation. It is, or should be, a staple phrase in the vocabulary of all mothers, particularly those of us with Selective Listening. But seriously ladies don’t feel too bad about having this little condition. It actually has it perks. If you’ve ever spent over two hours, or minutes, in a car filled with children you know exactly what I’m talking about. With Selective Listening, eventually all that chatter just becomes background noise.