Another Celebrity Breakup – Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben Can’t Stand Heat, Get Out of Kitchen

In a move widely rumored on breakfast blogs for weeks, Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima announced their divorce today at a press conference from their Kellogg, MI home. The celebrity pairing dubbed “Benima” by the food industry pastarazzi took turns boiling over in a bitter media session.

Aunt Jemima got things cooking first. “Time was when I couldn’t get Ben to leggo my eggo for a second. He’d be all like tell me how you want it baby, over easy or sunny side up. He always had a hand on my muffins or his nose in my biscuits. Chil’, that man could grease my skillet just by lookin at it. But lately the long grain, wild man I married turn into a 5 minute boil ‘n bag instant embarrassment – all lumpy and what not. Plus he’s been spending more and more time with that strange man from the Cream of Wheat box. I think that maybe he don’t want women on the menu no more and likes the ‘San Francisco treat’ instead if you know what I mean. Crazy old fruitcup.”

That got Ben heated up, “That’s a bunch of country crock! This is all the fault of that angry Mrs Butterworth. She’s a bad influence. Ever since that pop tart moved next door, Jemima don’t care no mo. She don’ pay me no attention, no cleanin’, no nothin’. And forget about a hot breakfast! Used to be that each mornin, she’d take her time attendin’ to my spicy sausage. Oh and the taste of that woman’s bacon! Now she won’ even pour the cereal in the bowl for me. I’m sick of the taste of my own cold grape nuts. I tell you though she sho’ is gainin a lot of weight lately. Land O’ Lakes, dat woman’s got mo’ nooks and crannies than Cocoa Krispies got snap, crackle and pop. Serves her right. I can’t remember the last time she took off that doo rag. Would it kill you to wash yo hair? A woman gotta keep herself up. And there ain’t no way I’m gonna let her keep them dogs neither. Pilaf and Flapjack are mine and if she don’t like it, she can bite me.”

As this bitter divorce plays out in the press, the real victims are the rest of us. The couple leaves behind 300 million adopted American nieces and nephews and one daughter, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.