What’s the Story with the Tooth Fairy?

Back when I was a kid, we didn’t get much money from Tooth Fairy visits, usually only a quarter. And, I don’t remember the Tooth Fairy having so many “issues,” either. You put a tooth under your pillow, and guaranteed, money was there and the tooth gone when you woke up in the morning.

What happened to the Tooth Fairy in the years since then? Based on the Tooth Fairy’s visits to my children, I fear that the effects of her age are dimming the Tooth Fairy’s sensibilities. In other words, I suspect the Tooth Fairy’s going senile.

When my son’s first wiggly tooth was almost ready to fall out, I wondered how inflation had affected the tooth market since my own childhood. What was a 1960s quarter worth at the turn of the century? A dollar? Two dollars?

While I pondered this question, my son’s best friend lost his own wiggly tooth. Then he came to school bragging about his Tooth Fairy visit. That senile old bat (who either never read the Consumer Price Index or is horrific at mathematical calculations) left the boy a twenty dollar bill. Twenty dollars! Generous? Sure. But after that boy bragged all over school, what I was supposed to tell my son two days later when his own tooth fell out?

“Sorry, honey, this is a period of preciptous economic deflation. $2 is now worth the same as $20 was two days ago”?

Then there was the time that the Tooth Fairy forgot to come, for no apparent reason. I told my son that the Tooth Fairy must have been extra busy and to try putting his tooth under his pillow again the next night, silently cursing the Tooth Fairy’s failing memory. Luckily, the Tooth Fairy recovered enough of her wits to make her visit the following night.

As time passed and our two daughters joined the wiggly tooth society, that Tooth Fairy became progressively disorganized. I am really getting tired of making excuses for the Tooth Fairy.

“Maybe she left your sister a $5 bill because she ran out of change.”

“The Tooth Fairy left you euros? Must have been battered by high winds and became disoriented.”

Causing unnecessary high drama, the Tooth Fairy once left money but did not take my youngest daughter’s tooth. With any other child, this might have been insignificant, but my conscientious daughter was devastated. She did not feel right taking the Tooth Fairy’s money without giving up her tooth. So we crossed our fingers and hoped that the Tooth Fairy would be flying by our neighborhood and visit again that night.

Despite her failings, I will give that Tooth Fairy credit for her ability to recover from her many mistakes. Although she does get some help.

My daughters have a fascination with magical creatures as well as inquisitive natures. This often spells trouble when it comes to the Tooth Fairy. My daughters leave the Tooth Fairy detailed notes requesting full disclosure of her family history back to the fall of Constantinople. They want to know where she lives, how big she is, how old she is, and her full name. They demand signatures, footprints, and DNA samples. Then, they compare notes. Kids who can’t remember where they left their own shoes have a remarkable ability to remember what the Tooth Fairy said in a note four years ago.

But that senile old bat is nowhere around when it’s time to explain herself so guess who’s stuck doing the dirty work?

“Why is her name different this time, Mommy? Do you think there’s more than one Tooth Fairy?”

“If she’s so tiny, how can she carry a tooth?”

“How does she get into our house with the door locked?”

My own memory may not be perfect, but I have one advantage when it comes to explaining Tooth Fairy idiosyncracies. There is but one answer I need to remember, no matter what the question:

MAGIC!

Now how will I explain the Tooth Fairy’s erratic performance to my kids if they ever stop believing in magic?