Categories: Parenting

The Truth About Post-Adoption Syndrome: Some Sufferers Regret Decision to Adopt

When 42-year-old Stephanie and her husband picked up the infant daughter they adopted, the new mom was so excited, she couldn’t sleep on the flight from China to Los Angeles.

Despite years of infertility treatments, the Illinois couple had been unable to conceive. They clung emotionally to each other when the Chinese government clamped down on adoptions by Americans and other foreigners more than five years ago. Their flight to pick up the six-month-old daughter they named Hope marked their third trip to China.

Three months after arriving home with the little girl, Stephanie knew something was wrong. On leave for a year from her job as a professor at a large university, she was tired almost all the time. She cried easily and almost every day. Worst of all, she felt guilty about not feeling an instant bond with Hope. The baby was often cranky due to a series of ear infections.

While Tim, 43, continued to go to work at his accounting firm, Stephanie’s days revolved around caring for a sick child and several visits a week to the pediatrician. However, she was reluctant to even bring up her feelings.

The incidence of post-partum depression, often due to causes such as plummeting estrogen levels, is well documented. However, while the existence of post-adoption syndrome is recognized by adoption professionals, not much is known about it.

According to Pamela Kruger, co-editor of A Love Like No Other, parents are sometimes the last to even imagine its occurrence. Typically expecting the long-awaited adoption to be nothing but joy, they’re overcome with both guilt and shame when they realize they actually feel ambivalent or even negative about their decision to adopt.

One of the possible causes of the syndrome is much more emphasis on the adoptive process than on changes the prospective parents and the new family unit will face. Other reasons include a lack of sleep due to parenting demands, confusion over role changes when one parent quits a job or takes an extended leave, and failure to bond immediately with the child.

Adoptions are often more difficult when the child is of school age and has been through a foster care system. And many parents face sticker shock. Diapers, backpacks, and soccer all cost money. Guilt might be especially acute if either parent’s company covered some of the adoption expenses. For parents who already have natural children, the failure to bond quickly with an adopted child can feel devastating. They worry at the slightest sign of showing favoritism or feeling less than 100 per cent in sync with the newest member of the family.

Karen Foli, who co-authored the book The Post-Adoption Blues, suggests that society tends to place adoptive parents on a pedestal. This makes it even harder for them to admit anything but positive feelings, let alone depression.

In 1999, Harriet McCarthy sent out a survey to subscribers to an online list service for parents in the Eastern European Adoption Coalition. Of those who reported post-adoption depression, a monumental 77 percent said it lasted between 2 months and a year. And 70 percent concluded it had interfered with bonding with their new children. Only 8 of the 94 parents said their adoption agencies had advised them of the existence of the syndrome.

Professionals recommend that parents experiencing signs of post-adoption syndrome contact an adoption therapist to work with the family. An excellent article on how to select and work with such a professional can be found at http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/r_tips.cfm. It provides helpful suggestions on possible insurance restrictions, definitions of types of providers, and telephone interview questions. It also offers tips on how to work with the therapist you’ve chosen and practical considerations such as backup coverage available when the provider is unavailable.