This is one of the funniest, longstanding, and now increasingly famous articles posted on the internet. But is it true? Where did it originate? This has been the subject of thousands of websites including âsnopes.comâ. Does anyone really care? đ Iâm not sure I want to know if it is true but the Top Ten list at the end is priceless.
Here is the story:
âActual article from the L.A. Timesâ:
âIn retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil,â Eric Tomaszewski,and his homosexual partner Andrew âKikiâ Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. âI pushed a cardboard tube up into his rectum and slipped âraggotâ, our gerbil, in,â he explained. âAs usual, Kiki shouted âARMAGEDDON!,â my cue that heâd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldnât come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.â At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. âThe match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskiâs hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbilâs fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the tubing like a cannonball.â Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story:
10.) âI pushed the cardboard tube up his rectumâŚâ Ouch!!!
9.) âSo I peered into the tubeâŚâAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Iâm sorry, but thatâs like looking through a telescope into hell. Iâd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8.) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of that guyâs anus like âRocky the Flying Squirrelâ on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7.) Suffering a broken nose from a grebil being launched out of someoneâs anus. Iâm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was spring-time fresh after his little journey into Kikiâs tunnel of love.
6.) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex-feinds breakind into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old-fashioned, but I just canât imagine looking at the doctor and saying, âWell doc, itâs like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tubeâŚâ
4.) âFirst and second degree burns to the anus.â Wouldnât this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of Godâs green earth.
3.) People named âKikiâ, which is obviously a Polynesian word for: âIdiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts.
2.) What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1.) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? Iâm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
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