Categories: Parenting

Jealous Grandmothers

When grandchildren are born into the family, jealous grandmothers gear up with boxing gloves and take their respective corners, prepared to do battle to earn the imaginary title of being the “only grandparent” among the grandkids. What sort of emotional message do grandmothers convey to a child by grand parenting in a self-seeking manner?

Humorous as the boxing gloves sounds; it is an issue of human insecurity and can be dreadfully difficult to cope with, if you are one the “other grandmothers” who is intimidated by this adverse behavior, such as I am.

Just as there are plenty of overbearing mothers, there exists even more, domineering grandmothers. I never realized how rampant this hostile conduct was until I became a grandmother, of course.

Not only do I have to manage this unnecessary competitive behavior with a couple of my grandchildren; I have heard stories from countless other women, who also have to survive the challenging “other grandmother.” I am, sadly comforted, to know I am far from alone in this matter.

In my perfect world, all the grandmothers would get along, support one another and have a common vision when it comes to a new generation. I do not have to be a genius to realize, however, I do not live in a perfect world and this is not always the case.

Two of my grandchildren have a grandmother, who is so territorial when it comes to these two children; I hesitate to go near them when she is around. She is openly possessive with them and tends to take on a pouting attitude as soon as she and I are both in the presence of the kids.

I am well aware, though; this woman has extreme issues of insecurity, which helps me to be the bigger person and more forgiving when it comes to her frustrating actions with our grandkids. I believe her lack of self-confidence leads her to feel the other grandmothers threaten her relationship with the children, which may be real to her, but is not the case at all.

In our set of circumstances, there is extended family so there are three grandmothers, one being my daughter’s stepmother, which most definitely adds to the woman’s insecurity because she has to share the kids with two other women, instead of traditionally, just one.

My four-year-old granddaughter, who I am extremely close with just as I am with all my grandkids, made a simple statement to me while we were driving home from my office one day this summer which, rattled my grandmother world.

As we drove by the road, where her possessive grandmother lives, she said the same thing she says every single time we pass that road; “Do you know that is where my Gram lives?” Every time I answer, “Yes, I do know your Gram lives there.

However, this day, after we repeated the routine about where her grandmother lives for the millionth time…she stunned me by adding, “Do you know she loves me more than anyone else does?”

Finally, for me, the stark realization of how insensitive this controlling behavior is was like running into a brick wall full force. I was speechless for a moment while I gathered my thoughts in an effort to respond in a mature, intelligent manner, even though I was fuming inside.

From the beginning with the other grandmother, I could let go of the paltry stuff when it came to my granddaughter and then with her baby brother as well. I let slide her behavior with the kids and with me, during family functions and birthday parties for the first four years.

I overlooked her persistent need to buy the children things…even though her son and my daughter asked her repeatedly, to put an end to that practice. However, trying to make my granddaughter believe she loved her, more than anyone else in the family did, was where I drew the line.

Calmly I said to my granddaughter, “I know Gram loves you very, very much and you know I love you more than all the M&Ms; in the world, but I bet your mom and dad love you even more than all of us grandmothers put together.”

My granddaughter, who is a lovely, expressive child, giggled and said, “All the M&Ms; in the world… that’s more love than the whole earth…you are so silly, Mimi. Without another thought, she proceeded to map out the rest of our day together and we dropped the subject as quickly as she had brought it up.

As I said, I learned early on to brush things off and move ahead when it comes to the other grandmother, but decided to talk to my daughter about this because it bothered me deeply. As is usually the case, my daughter and son-in-law had already discussed this matter in depth with my granddaughter, who said the same thing to her father when he was tucking her into bed one night.

My son-in-law, who was not happy to hear what, his mother was insinuating to his daughter, gently explained; no one could possibly love her more than he could or her mom. That was my exact words to her that day as well.

He also considerately explained to his mother that her words were sending an unfair message to their child about other people who share her life. As tenderly as possible, he pointed out to his mother; she was the only one of the three grandmothers, who practiced this unfavorable behavior.

My son-in-law’s mom promised to be more aware of the statements she made to our granddaughter, which apparently she did. Her son also urged his mother to stop constantly buying stuff for his daughter, suggesting instead they make a craft or bake some goodies together. This she did, as well.

I still deal with the other grandmother’s pouty attitude whenever I have to be around her. I ignore her sulking and I kill her with kindness, which eventually wins out over the hostile position she chooses to take.

Grandchildren are a blessed gift and one of the most gratifying aspects of life. Every grandmother holds a special place in her heart for her grandkids. She has to be aware, however, these children are not hers and they divide their lives among many other people. Be a role model for your grandchildren and put the jealousy aside…you will be a better grandmother for doing so.