Why Men Pee on the Toilet Instead of in It

Why do men pee all over the toilet?

The answer to this age-old question, put forth by many irritated women on their hands and knees with bleach infused cleaner, could be summed up with asking another question: Why can’t women put the toilet seat down for themselves? (Do they really splash down into the bowl?) However, in a basic tit-for-tat argument of the sexes I will briefly explain for any females left in the dark how and why urine seems to get splashed all over the bathroom after a man has finished draining his bladder.

Lifting the veil of mystery from the issue is quite simple really. Indeed a man has the ability to grip his penis and aim the hose-like appendage in the general direction with which they wish to shoot a stream of fluids. However, a man does not really have control over the free flowing urine at all. What I mean is: he stands there, tally-whacker in hand pointed at the toilet, and: pee shoots out sideways. Once the flow of pee has exited the penis shaft it is easy to redirect it back into the direction one wishes it to go, but the first blast is a crap-shoot as far as how it chooses to come out. There are many factors involved with the flow of urine as it is released, gravity being one of them, but other things to consider include blockage of the pathway being traveled and a pee-hole out of alignment.

Blockage: ever see the Jim Carey movie ME, MYSELF, and IRENE? There is a scene after they have had sex where he goes to the restroom and cannot control his pee, making an inquiry along the lines of “Why am I peeing like I just had sex all night?” The moment is a bit exaggerated and quite frankly a penis erect shoots urine differently than one not erect, but also when it comes to sex there is milky white stuff that spurts, not pee. Semen doesn’t just come out clean and clear of the body, it is created in different consistencies, sometimes watery, sometimes like pudding; or love gravy. Often times after sex there will still be some semen within the penis shaft that comes out next time the guy goes pee. The semen is in the pathway of the pee like a rock might be in a creek, and can alter the flow of urine, causing it to escape the pee-hole and make an abrupt left or right turn.

Pee-hole alignment: the human body is covered in skin. The flesh around the pee-hole keeps it so that the hole is more or less closed, keeping unwanted things from just flying on up and in. Sometimes when a man unzips and unfurls his penis for a piss, said hole is not pushed exactly all the way open, perhaps the skin sticks to the skin on the other side, and thus the stream is redirected to the linoleum floor, back of the toilet, or hell: the ceiling.

Unfortunately for me I have worked jobs that entailed cleaning public restrooms and can honestly say the women’s room was always the worst. Men are known for peeing all over the place, but truly women deserve more credit for their waterworks aerobics. They too leave pee on toilet seats, floors, and walls. I won’t try to solve that mystery, but I can also say: at least men don’t toss bloody tampons around as if they were just bloody candy wrappers.

Hopefully this helped clarify some of the reasons a man pees on the toilet instead of in it. It is true that sometimes pure laziness contributes to where pee ends up ala not lifting the toilet seat, but really that pee that was on the seat probably still would have missed its intended water target. It is really only laziness when the man does not grab a piece of toilet paper and wipe off the pee he has misdirected.