Why is My Child so Jealous and Envious?

When parents think of jealousy and envy, they may think mostly in terms of sibling rivalry. Most child development and parenting books address jealousy and envy in relation to siblings and life within the home as well. But what if our child is showing signs of jealousy and envy toward peers and the world at large? What is normal and what is not, and what can we parents do to help our child let go of some of the feelings of jealousy and envy?

Jealousy and envy are really rather normal emotions in the lives of most of us – children included. While parents seem to understand that children may feel jealous at the arrival of a new sibling, there are plenty of other situations that seem to trigger feelings of jealousy and envy in growing children – our kids are growing up in a materialistic, consumer-driven world and, although we may think them to young to notice, they may very well be responding to the disparity they see between their own lives and possessions and those of the people around them. Children also respond to perceived disparities of time. I remember one of my own children growing extremely jealous of all the attention a preschool teacher seemingly “lavished” on a child who was developmentally disabled. It hadn’t dawned on my own four-year-old that the teacher needed to spend more time with this other child because of her disability, all my child was seeing was that she was getting more time and attention from the teacher! “The teacher likes her best!” was the wailing complaint. As a novice parent, I was surprised and, I admit, embarrassed. Fortunately, the fact that my child was able to share how she felt gave us a place to begin working on how to recognize and deal with feelings of envy and jealousy.

In many children, jealousy and envy won’t be so easy to detect. The emotions may manifest themselves in outbursts of anger, physical violence, brooding or isolation. A child who is feeling jealous or envious may try to seek attention through showing off, risky behavior or competition and perfectionism. The challenge for parents is to view the child’s behavior as a symptom of an underlying emotional or psychological problem. Often, we parents find ourselves in the position of being reactionary – addressing behaviors without taking the time to get to the root cause. Jealousy can be particularly challenging because we may not be expecting it to manifest itself in such creative ways in our children.

Parents may need to take a look at their own behaviors, as well, to see if they may be laying a foundation for envious and jealous expressions. Are we expressing envy of our neighbor’s new car, or better job, or our own sibling’s relationship with grandma and grandpa? Our children may very well pick up on our own feelings of inadequacy or insecurity and take them on as their own.

Communication and focusing on building a strong self-image are the main solutions for combating jealousy and envy. While experts often recommend parents showering children with enough attention to deal with sibling rivalry, coping with more globalized emotions of jealousy and envy may take a different approach. Parents will likely need to work on helping a child understand the inequities in the world and focus on positives, strengths and blessings – instead of differences and lack.