The Best Exotic Pets: Ferrets, Piranhas, Falcons

There are two kinds of exotic pets. There’s the “oh, look at me, I’m so rich I can afford to buy a chimp or an elephant or an albino crocodile” kind of exotic pet and then there’s the “you know, I just really love animals and I want to go a little overboard with the my appreciation for them by purchasing an expensive and sort of rare” kind of exotic pet. I have no time for the former (i.e., Michael Jackson). But I do think it’s cool and totally acceptable for you, the average Joe’s of the world, to get some exotic pets. I’m not down with those freaks that let it get to their heads, though. You know, the type that turns their first floor duplex into some kind of faux-zoo-hell with animals running amuck and shitting everywhere. So not cool. But a couple of neat little critters in a cage: I’m all for it. I will not keep you waiting any longer; here is my list of the best exotic pets ever…

Ferrets: “But Jeff, ferrets aren’t exotic at all,” you say. Oh really, tell that to God, you heartless sonofabitch. Any tubular creature of weasel descent that can be housebroken and trained is pretty damn exotic in my book. Sure, ferrets are the ultimate “cliché exotic pet”. They’re the kind of pet you buy when you want the pet you own to define you in some certain way (and yes, I definitely think people do this). Some people buy goldfish because they just want anything that needs to be fed around the house. Some people buy dogs and cats because they want something warm and reassuring around when they come home. And then others certainly buy ferrets because they want to be known as “that dude who has a ferret”. But others still buy ferrets because they think they’re kickass. I appreciate those people.

Piranhas: I have no idea how easy (or hard) it is to get your hands on piranhas, but like any fish-pet, they’re fairly low maintenance-as long as you don’t mind risking a limb or two when it comes time to clean their tank (I’m half-kidding). Seriously though, I wish I had more information on acquiring these suckers; I’m pretty sure that the legality of owning these guys is state specific. Back when I was a kind, I knew this guy named Tony (who tried to steal my bike once) and he owned some piranhas. He was an asshole and, come to think of it, piranhas are probably illegal in every state.

Falcons (and/or other birds of prey): I’ll be the first to admit that Saturday Night Live has been on a steady decline for quite some time, but there are a few funny sketches here and there. One of the best is Will Forte’s ‘Falconer’ sketch. Don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s called YouTube. Look it up. Confession time: One of my only goals in life is to be able to handle a bird of prey with some ease one day. I want to tame the very majestic and very wild beast that I have been fascinated with since youth. Does this make me a weirdo? Of course. I am insecure about this? Not at all.