Scene Vs. Emo: Which is More Embarrassing?

Since the scene and emo movements reared their poofy-haired, crying heads a few years back, the debate has been raging–which one is better, and what is the difference? More importantly, why should people who aren’t whiny high school white kids care? The answers to all of these questions will be covered in splendid, magnificent, slightly drunken detail as I delve into the world of scene versus emo.

I’ve chosen five completely arbitrary criteria, and I’m hoping that the comments section will be filled up with angry emo and scene kids, and possibly reputable advertisers selling penis pills.

1. Clothing Style – Emo kids dress in black, and scene kids dress like emo kids, only more gothic. The differences cannot be seen with the naked, un-depressed eye. One has to be in a special state of self loathing to be able to instantly tell the difference between an emo kid and a scene kid. They both look like massive tools. However, emo kids were doing it first, so scene kids win the clothing category.

2. Philosophy – The emo philosophy is that life is a dreary, sad, painful thing, and that scene kids are fags. Scene kids believe essentially what emo kids believe, only they’re giggling and chewing bubble gum while they believe it.

Scene kids believe that life’s ills can be solved through the application of liberal amounts of rouge, to the point where they make Ronald McDonald look like Gertrude Stein. Emo kids would wear makeup, but they cry hard enough that only a sad amount of eyeliner will do. Which they wear, even the boys. Sadly.

Both scene and emo kids lose points in this category.

3. Music – Both groups love Morrissey and hate Ronnie James Dio. They also each like a large amount of bullcrap music, written by pseudosad faux musicians whose biggest legitimate complaint in life is that their mothers won’t let them borrow the minivan to go to the Dashboard concert. However, emo kids like The Mountain Goats, so they automatically win in this category. Still, they like them for all the wrong reasons, so it’s a fairly lukewarm victory.

4. Typical Age And Ethnicity of Adherents – Both scene and emo kids come from predominantly middle class communities. It’s just not possible to afford that amount of makeup and Kleenex on anything less than about $40,000 a year. They’re typically in the shameless 14-21 age group, after which point they realize that they’ve been acting like Mopey McMopersons for the last seven years of their lives and overcompensate by becoming metal heads for a little while. Neither side has a definite edge in this category, although Hot Topic gains some definite points.

5. Hair – Emo kids will typically have long hair for the boys, short-ish hair from the girls, framed on the head in a way that accents their crying. Emo boys are fond of fashioning their hair into a sharp part, as this allows them to cut themselves with their own hair if they ever get stranded in the woods with nothing but a starter log and a copy of The Cure’s Boys Don’t Cry single on vinyl.

Scene kids will often have large, poofy hair, which, while less practical, does shield them from harmful UV rays and, if captured, can be instantly shed like a lizard’s tail. Scene kids win in this category.

So, we’ve been through quite a few areas. Who’s the ultimate winner?

Drumroll, please…no, a sadder drumroll…

RONNIE JAMES DIO.

He’s got a kick ass wardrobe (mainly skulls and chainmails), a great philosophy (wolves should always be attacking angels), better music than Ozzy, he’s old as hell, and his hair could single-handedly whip Dashboard Confessional’s ass (and at one point, it did). Despite not being part of this contest, Ronnie James Dio is clearly the winner.

Thank you, Ronnie, for ending the scene-emo war. We are all your loyal servants.