Narcissistic Parents: How to Deal

How many of us as adults are feeling the lingering effects of growing up trying to please and appease our self-absorbed parents? I’m talking about the realization as adults that our parents are not what we thought them to have been, and as a result, we are left to pull ourselves together to function as healthy adults while maintaining some semblance of a relationship with them. I am referring to being a child of a parent having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and all that accompanies that disorder.

I am by no means an expert in this disorder, but it is my intent to provide a modicum of help to those affected by it.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is defined by the Mayo Clinic as a person having an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. They believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. They are self-absorbed. This is by no means a full explanation of narcissism, nor does it include every trait of the disorder, but those of us who have narcissistic parents recognize these traits.

How does a parent’s self-absorption affect their children? Generally speaking, a parent’s self-absorption causes the child to be injured emotionally and mentally since he or she was not allowed to develop adequately. The child’s self-esteem did not have the environment to mature due to the parent’s lack of empathy. As a child, you may not have been aware of your parent’s narcissism or that you were being affected negatively at the time, but this realization may happen much later in life.

Since the parent fulfills his or her demands, and their interests and desires take precedence, they instill their wishes and likes upon the child. The child may never truly establish his own interests and any variance from the parent’s interests may be squashed, lest the child face the parent’s wrath. Even if the child establishes his own interests which are not shared by the parent, the child must push those aside and adopt those of the parent.

An example is a daughter who begins dating. Her parents absolutely love the new boyfriend since he is a good fit for them, but she could take him or leave him. She then dates another boy who she really likes but her parents dislike since he is not a good fit for them. They encourage her to date the first boy, and explain why she should like him too. Then they are rude to the second boy and tell the daughter why she shouldn’t like him either. Rather than disappoint her parents, she chooses the first boy, thereby appeasing them. Multiply the parent’s wishes and interests imposed on the child numerous times, year after year, and the child will have difficulty being confident in his or her own decisions. Furthermore, the child may have difficulty differentiating between what the parent wants and what the child actually wants.

Here is a simplified example from my own personal experiences. As a child, all social events occurred at my parent’s home because that is what they desired. Now, as an adult, they still expect all social events to occur at their house regardless of my plans. If their demands are not fulfilled, they resort to two techniques to get what they want.

First, they resort to constant hounding, asking repeatedly “Are you coming over?” or “When are you coming over?” When their demands are not met instantly with an affirmative response from me, they typically follow up with “What are you doing that night?” The root of this question is actually “What are you doing then, that is more important than dinner with us?”

The second technique used is assigning guilt upon the child. This can be done simply when the self-absorbed parent states, “I know you’re going to your in-laws for dinner but your mother will be very upset if you can’t stop by for dessert.”

The parent’s constant hounding, assignment of guilt, and lack of respect for your boundaries can be overwhelming, leaving emotional and mental scarring. This being the case, how can you maintain a relationship with narcissistic parents? In my experiences, it is extremely difficult, but here are some suggestions.

First, you must realize that narcissistic parents will probably not change. They will not recognize that they are self-absorbed and therefore, they will see no need to change. If you can accept this and still want to have a relationship with your parents, you must lower your expectations for them. They will never be the parents you desire or need and no discussions with them regarding your needs, wants, and expectations will bring you any satisfaction.

Secondly, since you do not know the extent of your emotional and mental wounds, and may suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder yourself, it is a good idea to seek professional mental evaluation. This is probably the most important step to take in order to continue life as a healthy adult while maintaining adequate self-esteem.

I know sometimes people place a stigma on counseling (psychotherapy) but let me suggest that a little counseling goes a long way. I use this analogy all the time: If your house has a leaky roof and the only tool you have to fix it is a screwdriver, you are not going to fix the roof. You need to get the proper tools and supplies for the job. Enough said.

Lastly, according to Children of the Self-Absorbed 2nd Edition, there are several actions you can take to manage your feelings and control situations when dealing with the narcissistic parents. These include, but are not limited to: limit the amount of time you spend with your parents and do so in public places if possible, build yourself and self-esteem by developing relationships with friends or other family members who are not self-absorbed, and change the topic when the parent asks an inappropriate question.

What do you do if the above suggestions do not work? What happens when it takes just too much strength and energy to maintain the relationship? What if you are tired being “on guard” all the time around your parents?

I have asked myself these questions numerous times and I have evaluated the pros and cons of my decisions. Here is where I am: I am currently in counseling, have read several books on the topic, and haven’t spoken to my parents in over a year. I can honestly say that I am healthier as a result of choosing not to have a relationship with them. I am happier in my personal life, happily married, and the proud father of a beautiful baby boy.

My lack of a relationship with my parents is a choice I made after arming myself with knowledge, after many counseling sessions, after many sleepless nights, after numerous attempts on my part to have a relationship with them, and after weighing the pros and cons. It doesn’t mean that I won’t establish a relationship with them at some point in the future; it just means now is not the time.

I urge you as the child of narcissistic parents to get counseling, conduct research on the topic, and put forth a legitimate effort to establish and maintain healthy relationships.

For those of us who are now parents, I suggest that we should focus our energies on stopping the narcissistic cycle. Love your child, show empathy, and provide them with the best environment possible.

Mayo Clinic Staff,

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652

Narcissistic Personality Disorder”

Mayoclinic.com

Nina W. Brown, Children of the Self-Absorbed 2nd Edition.