How to Spot an Emo Kid

Sometimes, you’ll be at a party sipping on a frosty beverage and talking with a few people that are standing around the same area as yourself and you’ll turn to someone new.

“Hey,” you’ll say.
“Uh,” he’ll grunt.
“Did you see that football game this weekend?”
“Uh, I don’t WATCH football.”
That was a little weird. Still, you’ll persist.
“Um, OK. Well, I just got the new Clap Your Hands Say Yeah album, and…”
I’ve been listening to a lot of My Chemical Romance.”

Then it hits you. Holy crap, I’ve been talking to an emo kid!

At least with Goth kids, you can spot them from a mile away. But for the emo kids, it can sometimes be a little difficult to figure out who they are, and you can get ambushed into a conversation about Panic! At The Disco.

So, to ease your mind, here are a few easy ways that you can spot an emo kid from a mile away.

1. His hair covers one of his eyes. Not both of his eyes, or you’ve got a hippie on your hands. Emo kids like to only see half the world, because it’s sadder that way. They’ll often have horrendous looking hair that serves a dual purpose; blocking out half of their vision and making them look like huge tools.

2. His shoes are chucks, and some thing’s drawn on them. Not the peace sign; emo kids don’t care about the world outside of their own tortured souls enough to promote peace. That would be hippies again, and if you were dealing with a hippie, you’d have smelled him by now. No, an emo kid will have a word drawn in block letters like PAIN or a picture of a broken heart.

3. He’s looking at the ground. Don’t try to look at the ground with them; there’s nothing there. They’re staring at the torn and tattered fragments of their own souls, or maybe their broken and battered self esteem. To the rest of us, though, it’ll just look like tile.

4. He’s drinking wine. Unless it’s new year’s eve or you’re celebrating something of equal magnitude, no dude should be caught with wine at a party. Emo kids forgo this rule; they don’t like the taste of beer, because they aren’t real men, and they like anything that resembles blood because it’s depressing. Bonus emo points if he’s drinking it from a fancy glass.

5. He’s crying. Emo kids will always be crying about a girlfriend, a girl they want as their girlfriend, the new Dashboard album, or something to that very sad effect.In fact, it’s very rare for emo kids to have enough self esteem that they can make it through a commercial break of a sad, sad TV show without crying. They cry when their favorite bands come out with new albums and they cry when they’re happy. Emo kids live on tears, they same way that bears live on fish.

If you spot an emo kid, make no sudden movements; they’ll try to explain their passion for crappy music to you if they notice you’re interested in them. Instead, just wander to another corner of the party and don’t talk to him. Eventually, he’ll cry and leave, and you’ll be glad you spotted him when you did.