Categories: TRAVEL

Caesars Cove Haven Resort in the Poconos: BEWARE

So my husband and I finally had 2 days off at the same time, and we really needed a getaway. Seeing that it was only one night, we decided to splurge and go for something nice. The local FOP lodge to which he belongs had a deal where members got 1/2 off their stay at the Cove Haven Resort in Lakeville, PA.

We checked out the website and looked at the various offerings and rooms. It appeared to be a couples’ resort with “luxury” type rooms and activities. We found that normally the Champagne Towers by Cleopatra would be about $500 per night, but with half off we’d obviously get like $250. We also read that breakfast and dinner were included, so it seemed like a deal. We prepared for a romantic weekend in our room with a private heart shaped pool, a giant champagne glass jacuzzi, and a comfy circular bed.

When we pulled in, we were pretty shocked. We were debating about whether the place looked more like a military installation or summer camp. The golf course was conveniently placed next to the entrance road so that if golfers on the range hit their balls to the left on a curve, they’d go into your car if you happened to be driving past. Nice. When we got in to check in at 3:45 PM (check-in, according to our reservation, was at 3:30 PM), we walked into quite possibly the tackiest room I’ve ever seen. Everything was pink, red, and gold, with a 1980s porn feel to it. I felt dirty just being in the place. And the office had the overwhelming smell of incense or cinnamon or something…not subtle, just plain overwhelming. The receptionist told us that our room was not ready.

We asked why it wasn’t ready when check-in was at 3:30 PM, and she told us that check-in “started” at 3:30 PM and that our room wouldn’t necessarily be ready and clean by that time. What is the point of check-in time if you can’t expect the room to be ready? She asked for a cell phone number to call us when our room was ready. That pissed me off because I thought that a room for that price, even if it was half-off, or even a room at any hotel, should be ready by the advertised check-in time. The least they could do is admit that there was an issue and that they would give us extra time to check-out the next morning. No, they just act like it’s normal…and for them, I’m sure it is. We got a call a half an hour later that we could go to our room.

When we arrived to the Champagne tours, we came up on a bland building that did in fact look like barracks. Fortunately when we walked in we did some of the main features of the room. We got some cool photos of the champagne tower jacuzzi, the private pool was small but clean and nice, and the bed was comfy. Plus there was cool lighting star-like lighting around the jacuzzi. But that was about it. For a room that normally goes for $500, it needed some serious updating. The room was keeping with the 1980s-1970s tacky porn theme of the whole place, and some areas needed repair…the cracked mirror, cracks in walls, etc. We did have a nice romantic evening in and watched a movie.

When we went for “dinner,” we found that the meal was at a smelly cafeteria type set up. What was worst, the ENTIRE dining room was virtually empty, but they force you to sit with 2-3 other couples to eat. I hated it. I mean, I like getting to know people, but not on a supposedly romantic trip with my husband and not just being thrown together to eat. I wanted to eat at my own table and just sit with my husband. After we paid $5 for a bottleneck beer and $6 for a virgin pina colada, we got up to the buffet. I’m a vegetarian, so naturally I expect to have few options. But even my meat-eating husband didn’t like the food here. He said it reminded him of the chow hall in the Marines. The food is basically low quality crap. You’ll get some typical meat, pasta, etc. Nothing exciting, and nothing enjoyable. The deserts were ok, the best part was the milano cookies they put out…most likely because they weren’t made there. The waitress seemed proud of the food when she bragged that it was all homemade. I wanted to tell her it was very obvious it was homemade by someone who has the most minimal cooking skills and uses low quality ingredients.

During both meals, dinner and the following morning’s breakfast, there were couples at the table who had been to the resort before. They all looked unhappy and unenthusiastic, but claimed they enjoyed coming there. They just looked unhappy. I couldn’t figure out why someone would return to this place.

After dinner we decided to see what there was to do in the resort. We headed down to the arcade/archery/basketball area, but you couldn’t use anything because there was nobody there to give you equipment. Fortunately there were pool tables and sticks (yes, the equipment was actually there for use), so we played a game of pool. To play the games you have to spend extra money, which we decided was not worth it. To use the outdoor volleyball court or tennis court or golf range you needed to get equipment, and we couldn’t do that either. We were excited to use the paddle boats, so we headed to the lake.. It was about 7 PM, which is the perfect time for outdoor activities in the summer, I feel, because you aren’t in direct sun and it is cooler. When we headed down we asked an employee who looked to be very old and drained about using the paddle boats, but he said that there has to be an attendent and there isn’t one in the evening. So, that was out too.

What the hell is the point of an adult resort where you can’t do anything after 5 PM? I felt like we were little kids at summer camp and it was time to “wind down” and get ready for bed at 8 PM. I asked the attendent what was actually available, he said we could go to the spa (aka, the pool). Whatever. We walked around the resort and observed that the entire place was pretty much in decay. A couple of the buildings had flat rooves which had caved in. There was a giant “congratulations” sign up for honeymooners that had a bride with the headband veil…so it was apparent that the decor hadn’t been changed since at least 1988. We heard something about a “nightclub” that had entertainment at 8:30 PM, but seeing how the rest of the resort ran, we didn’t even bother. We went out to get some snacks and enjoyed a pay per view movie in our room.

To their credit, the community pools looked nice and well kept. We didn’t use them since we had our own little pool in our room. The next day we used the golf course and enjoyed some archery. We scheduled two massages and they were enjoyable and not too horribly expensive. Then we headed home.

All in all, we did enjoy the drive together, spending time in the room, and basically just having the opportunity to spend time together. But for those thinking of coming here, you’re money is better spent elsewhere. Unless of course, you go for outdated, cheesy, tacky, and poorly maintained resorts that charge an enormous amount of money. Oh, and if you enjoy bland, low quality food, you’ll love it here. I will warn you though, I have never experienced a stomach upset quite as bad as when I came back from this place (I seriously thought I had food poisoning for about an hour).