Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

The husband enters the main door of the house coming from work. He drags himself to the recliner in front of the television. The wife yells at the husband “I’m the only one who does anything in this house! Really, nothing gets done around here unless I do it. I need to get out of the house and run some errands.”

The husband looks at her in disbelief. The kids were watching. The husband hesitates to react ensuring that his reaction might not aggravate the situation.

The above scene is typical of relationships with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It has become too common scenario that husbands have learned to treat it part of his day and life. The husband will try to please his BPD wife by trying to do his share in the house. But, no matter what he does, the yelling, screaming and rages over this issue never stops.

The husband knows that his BPD wife sleeps until 12 to 2 pm everyday or at least 18 hours a day. Then, she stays on her bed and watches TV and CSI all day. When he arrives home, the wife will scream and yell about troubleshooting fights between the children. She complains about how the house needs to be cleaned and carpets need to be vacuumed. She will whine about the pile of laundry sitting by the washer for the whole week. She will fight you about the stinking refrigerator and kitchen spills. You gazed at the dirty dishes stack up in the sink.

The husband works 40-50 hours a week and feels he does not deserve such statements. However, he will not create a big deal out of it by doing his own share of the house chores. When the husband needs clean clothes, he washes his own clothes. When the husband needs some food to eat, he fixes himself something.

However, his wife with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) changes her standards at the heat of the moment. All of sudden, clean clothes and towels are not folded in the proper way. The house is not clean enough. The dishes are not done right. The food that was cooked was horrible. Any attempts of the family to help her in the house are perceived in a skewed, negative way.

The family empathizes with her condition and allows her to sleep as much as she needs. Some Borderlines are suffering from Depression. Thus, they require more sleep and rest. The husband and children have come to live in these terms. However, the BPD wife expects the family to do the chores around the house without being asked. She does not see it that the husband is tired and needs his rest from a grueling day at work.

She says, ” I hate that you just come home from work and expect dinner to be made, the house immaculate. Why don’t you be a man and help me around the house. You don’t do anything in this house. Maybe you can at least cook dinner, vacuum or clean the kitchen. ”

The husband silently rages. The children get confused. Everyone in the house gets stressed out. The bad thing is this scenario occurs everyday in their lives.

5 Tips to Deal with “I Do Everything in the House” issue with Borderlines

1.Don’t feel resentful

The fact that your spouse has Borderline Personality Disorder means that you have some understanding of how stress triggers can reap havoc in her emotional regulation. Instead of feeling resentful about her comments, accept that an unclean house causes her stress.

2.Listen genuinely to her concerns

Though her standards will change everyday, listen without sarcasm to her complaints. Do not judge her even if her perception of reality is different from yours.

3.Validate her feelings

Do not feel defensive that you have to explain to her why you are unable to do what she wants at a given moment. Do not be tempted to disagree with her and bring reality that she was not doing anything in the house in the first place. Instead, give her some validation and re-state reality.

As a husband, you could say ” It is not a very nice emotion to feel that we are ignoring you. No one should blame you for wanting a clean house and prepared dinner. You love us and you want the best for us. You know what honey? I want that too. Can we work together and figure out how to do it?

4.Make her laugh

Start making it part of your job to create the necessary punch line to make her laugh.

5.Pray for Healing

The most critical step you need to do when you are married to a Borderline is to have a prayer life. You need to take time to find peace in the storm. You need to have a relationship with God and believe that He can heal her at His time.

Conclusion

The best part of having a relationship with a BPD wife is there is predictability in her unpredictable behaviors. The common thread in her reactions is her inability to handle stress triggers like a normal person. Her body copes with her illness by sleeping a lot. Then, she gets stressed out upon waking up that she does not have 24 more hours to get the house chores done. To deal with this kind of relationship, you need to understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is all about and separate her illness from her rages. Do not feel resentful of the quality of life you have with her. Do not judge her right away but instead empathize with her. She is experiencing “real fears” from past trauma and people’s reaction. Laughter should find a niche in your household. Do not lose faith to the One who can ultimately heal her.