Big Bird Dies in Avian Flu

WASHINGTON, D.C.-In a startling development that left children nationwide crying and screaming at their television sets, Big Bird, ringleader in the popular children’s television program Sesame Street, died last Tuesday of complications resulting from the avian flu.

Bird, an icon of American television for the past 37 years, contracted the flu in early September, but kept his illness a secret from the public, revealing it only to close friends and family.

“It was true to his philanthropic nature,” sobbed Aloysius Snuffleupagus, who learned of Bird’s illness only two days before his death. “The rest of us all hate those damn kids who write us fan letters all the time… I remember once when Bert and Ernie tag-teamed and chased a six-year-old away with a hose that spewed dry ice… but not Big Bird. He set an example for all of us.”

It became increasingly difficult for Big Bird to hide the extent of his illness as it progressed, colleagues said. He would come into work with this whooping sort of cough every day, and at first everybody thought that it was just him laughing, but then he started doing it at really inappropriate times, like when Grover’s pet ferret died, and that’s when we figured out that something was really wrong,” explained Elmo.

Cookie Monster, whose revised tagline “A Cookie is a Sometimes Food” has obese children everywhere flying into violent rages, said, “Big Bird and I were tight, man. He was the creme filling to my Oreo, the pecan to my sandie, you know what I’m sayin’? There was this one time, I’ll never forget it, when he-hot damn! Is that a Milano in your clutch?”

As Big Bird had noted in his will that in the event of his death he wished for his organs to be donated to charity, President George W. Bush was reported to have posed as a hungry hobo in order to acquire Bird’s remains, which he announced would be served to Chinese President Hu Jintao at an international Thanksgiving celebration to be held at the White House.

“I felt that this [serving Big Bird] was something very special that we could do for Hu and, by extension, the entire Chinese nation,” said Bush. “Big Bird was an important part of many Americans’ childhoods, and this [eating Big Bird] is a way for America to offer an expression of goodwill to the People’s Republic of China in a very personalized manner… a way to thank them for all that they have brought to this country, and for all that they have done in the past.”

Hu’s reaction to Bush’s statement was measured. I do not want to eat someone who has fraternized with Oscar the Grouch,” he stated through a translator.

U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Ann M. Veneman stated at a press conference yesterday that packaged leftovers of Big Bird will be sold at supermarkets all across the nation in the days following Thanksgiving for approximately $5 per pound.

“Because everybody wants a piece of that,” said Veneman at one point during the conference.

Big Bird’s friends and family could not be reached for comment, but numerous eyewitnesses have stepped forward to testify that bloodcurdling wails and what could only be described as “rolling noises” have been emanating from Bird creator Jim Henson’s grave all week.