Become a Genius Overnight

If you take your fingers and tap on your skull you will realize that it is hollow. Inside that hallow skull is a mass of convoluted goo that is your brain. They say that it has the consistency of really firm Jello. In some people it actually is Jello, but that’s a different story altogether. The brain is the last scientific frontier of the human body. It’s also the only organ in the body that can study itself and is aware that it exists. Go ahead, ask your liver or kidney if it knows where it’s at. I doubt if it answers you.

Scientists are finding out more and more about that 3-pound mass of jelly all the time. If you slice a human brain in half, right there along the corpus callosum, you’ll see that there are several parts that have big tongue twisting scientific names, but let’s not concern ourselves about that right now. Let’s just say the reason that our brain has so many wrinkles is that we are so smart it had to fold in on itself just to fit in our heads. If our heads got any more swollen, we’d have to spend our entire lives nestled in our mother’s wombs and that may present a lot of problems socially.

The average human brain has like 100 billion neurons and the connections in the brain are closer to a trillion. The researcher who counted all of them needed a lot of coffee to finish the task.

We all want to be smarter. So what does it mean to be a genius? What made Einstein’s brain different from the plumber who just unclogged your toilet? Note: I’m not saying that there aren’t any really intelligent plumbers out there, after all, they make a lot more money than I do.

When Einstein died, the doctor who did the autopsy fell in love with his brain. Against the family’s wishes he smuggled it out of the hospital and took it home with him. I don’t want to think about what he might have done with it other than cut it into pieces and put them in two glass jars.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that Einstein’s brain was different from anyone else’s. The man had one huge parietal lobe. The biggest ever seen. That’s the part of the brain that governs spacial thinking and mathematics.

Musicians have different brains too. They have a lump on either the left or right side of the parietal lobe. Which side it’s on really depends on what type of instrument you play. It’s also been found that you can become a musical whiz if you injure that part of your brain. One man fell off of a ladder and hit his head really hard, the next day he could play the piano like nobody’s business. He never had even taken a lesson.

This gives me an idea. How about plastic brain surgery? Whatever kind of savant (mono-genius) you want to be the surgeon just damages your brain in the corresponding area. If you want to be a rock star or a concert pianist, just alter your brain in the parietal lobe. A different area if you want to be a rocket scientist.

Professional gamblers could alter their brain to win at the casino. (Think Rain Man.)

And on and on, the potential is limitless. All we have to do is get an accurate map of the brain. Maybe Google could help with that problem.

You say that you don’t have the money for expensive cosmetic brain surgery? Well, maybe they could publish a do-it-yourself manual. Just find the right spot on your skull and jam a screwdriver into it. Next morning, if you wake up, you’re a genius. Don’t know what you want to be a genius in? In that case just close your eyes and hit yourself with a hammer.

Disclaimer: This article is for comedy and humorous purposes ONLY. Do not attempt this under any circumstances. The author assumes no liability if you hit yourself with a hammer or jam a screwdriver into your head. However, if you can find a surgeon that will do it legally, good luck!