Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette

Wedding etiquette has evolved over time, to embrace a variety of styles. There are very few hard and fast rules; we’ve moved to a DIY, couple-centered approach. There are still basic rules of common courtesy, however. Here are rehearsal dinner best practices to observe and faux pas to avoid.

Who pays for the wedding rehearsal dinner?
Traditionally, the groom’s family provides the rehearsal dinner, but many couples are opting to pay for their own dinner. Discuss rehearsal dinner payment arrangements with your fiance, but don’t argue about it. My husband told me that his parents weren’t savvy on wedding protocol and that he didn’t want to push it. We agreed to split the cost of the rehearsal dinner.

Who should be invited to the rehearsal dinner?

-The wedding party, including maid or matron of honor, best man, bridesmaids, groomsmen, Master and Mistress of Ceremonies, ushers

-Any child attendants: flower girl, ring bearer, junior bridesmaid, miniature bride and groom; parents should be included in the invitation if they aren’t already in the wedding party

-Non-professional caterers, musicians and singers, reception hostesses who are participating as friends

-Immediate family members, including siblings, parents and step-parents. Adopted children, if you know your birth parents, you may wish to invite them also. Grandparents should also be invited. Children of the bride and groom and children from previous marriages are also invited.

-The wedding officiant and spouse or partner (priest, rabbi, minister)

Optional invitations:

-Wedding party spouse or partner and children

-Out-of-town guests (those who have come into town specifically for your wedding)

What about thank-you gifts?
It is customary to purchase or make memorial thank-you gifts for each person in your wedding party. These gifts should be tokens of appreciation, not lavish, expensive presents. My daughter was given a beautiful pillow that the bride had made herself. If you buy gifts, don’t spend more than $10-$20 on each gift. The one rule about spending is that it should be equal for each person.

How should I distribute the thank-you gifts?
You can make a presentation at the rehearsal dinner. You can also put the gifts on a side table labeled with each person’s name.

What should I give?
Thank-you gifts for women attendants may include: a candle, book, gift basket, blanket, bath set, bottle of wine, costume jewelry, gift card, DVD, scrapbook, stationery, coffee mug, religious object (crucifix, image), tea cup and saucer, keepsake box, plant or photo frame. I like to give antiques as gifts. Here is a gift list for groomsmen. For child attendants, here are inexpensive gifts for boys and girls.

Who gets a rehearsal dinner gift?
If you are paying for services, you don’t have to also buy a thank-you gift. It’s a nice gesture if you are only paying a token amount (for example, musicians who are performing for a reduced rate as a gift to you). If your family is paying for the dinner, wedding or reception, thank them with a gift, too. It’s tacky and thoughtless to pass out gifts to everyone but the person paying for the affair. We decorated the rehearsal dinner with plants and sent one home as a gift with family members.

Is it tacky to have a rehearsal dinner on a budget?
No way! In fact, I advise you to keep it simple. If your family is paying, they’ll appreciate your economy. If you are paying, frugality is of the essence. No one wants to wake up the day after the honeymoon to a sheaf of bills from the wedding. Better to start your married life debt-free and on solid financial ground.