Categories: CREATIVE WRITING

The 10 Best Things About Al Bundy

Al Bundy was a crude, no-nonsense, master of satire. A Midwesterner well aware of the negatives in life, and able to spotlight them with entertaining delivery.

From the retro hit show, “Married With Children,” here are 10 “Instances of Al.”

1. The fact that he’s a “deep seat diver.”

Find an episode where Al Bundy doesn’t shove his hand into his pants and I’ll take my own out of my pants right now.

2. His love for football.

Or sports in general. Early on in Season 1 he’s an implied Bulls die-hard, and as the series progresses we realize that he was a high school football standout with the promise of a college career…until a broken leg cut that short and led him into the trade of selling women’s footwear.

3. Acknowledging that his daughter “gets around.”

Before Veronica Corningstone was making Ron Burgundy’s slacks tighten around the crotchal region, she was known as Christina Applegate. And from 1987-1997, she was fictional Chicago’s number one floozy. Al Bundy was aware of this, and as much as he objectified women, he detested other males doing the same to his daughter.

4. Approaching women as if he were a neanderthal.

Adding to the point from above, Al Bundy saw women from the bottom up in most instances, but in his mind, it seemed he was always interested in seeing their tops down.

5. Hating his neighbor.

No matter the co-star cast as his neighbor, Al Bundy spent equal parts hating him and corrupting him. Sort of like Wilfred’s relationship with Ryan Newman, Al would covertly build artificial trust to witness the repercussions of his deceit when crap hit the fan with his neighbor.

6. Hating his neighbor’s wife even more.

Marcy. He hated her from the moment he heard her name. Displaying an even more disgusted state of repulsion whenever she was on the same floorspace.

7. His griping dialogue and twisted sense of humor.

Nobody griped like Al Bundy. And nobody was as entertaining in doing so. Sorry Archie Bunker, but Al Bundy was much funnier. The aforementioned master of satire knew how to spin negativity into even better negativity. A endless supply of antagonistic quips by Al Bundy carried this show for 11 seasons.

8. His strange libido.

He’s tired when he gets back from work and the food he wants on the table isn’t ready yet. His wife’s uneasy pitch makes him shudder and he knows his kids only talk to him to extract some money. But when the kids are out, and the game is out of reach, he all of the sudden has a sex overdrive.

9. His regrets are funny.

He truly regrets not being an asshole that is out on the town chasing women of the night. He wishes his collegiate football career would have worked out, and that his wife and kids went down in a plane crash. What a funny man.

10. Al has fantasies that we’re afraid to admit we have, too.

He refers to his marriage as a “tour of duty,” but his metaphors perk up from there. His sleazy fantasies occur in any setting, whether at the shoe store or in front of the TV. Each and every one of these chauvinistic daydreams rarely kept secretive from Peggy. Oftentimes, blaming her for interrupting them.