Silly Bible Stories: Samson

The Bible is silly. It contains dozens and dozens of completely silly stories recording events that never actually happened. As proof that the Bible is silly, consider the story of Samson. Samson’s silly story should have you scratching your head in no time, assuming you believe the Bible is the infallible word of God. I used to believe that too, so I am not throwing stones. Wait, that’s another silly story. Let’s get back to Samson.

The story of Samson and his great strength is taught in Sunday Schools across the country. The problem is that the story of Samson, when carefully reviewed in a logical manner, is just plain ridiculous. In fact, it is one of the silliest stories in the Bible.

Lions Beware!

As a first example, Samson kills a lion in Judges 14:5-6. Does he use a spear? No. Does he use a net? No. Well, what does Samson use? He uses his bare hands. Yes, he “tore the lion as one tears a young goat.”

The silly story does admit that the lion was young, but the lion was obviously old enough to present a threat, because the Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson “mightily” to enable this heroic feat. So now the careful reader must ask himself is this the infallible word of God or a silly story meant to describe an exciting, albeit fictional, character?

Give me a Second to Pick Up this Bone!

Consider another of Samson’s great feats. Samson confronts an army of Philistines, who proceed to tie him up. Samson breaks free of the ropes, picks up a jaw bone of an ass, and kills a thousand men. See Judges 15:12-16. I am not making this up. This silly story is actually in the Bible. Samson kills a thousand men with a bone!

Visualize this for a moment. It is difficult for me not to think of one of those old kung-fu movies where the hero is surrounded and the bad guys come at him one at a time instead of just overwhelming here. Well, with Samson and this silly story, multiply that kung-fu scenario by about a hundred. So far, the Bible has told us that Samson tore a lion in two with his bare hands and then killed a thousand people with a bone. Wait, it gets better, and sillier.

Bringing Down the House!

Samson saves his best story for last! In Judges 16:25-31, he is captured after spilling the beans about his strength-producing hair (I will address this only briefly below). Blinded and bound in the Temple of Dagon, and surrounded by hecklers, he prays for the strength to destroy his enemies.

Samson literally finds the only two pillars that apparently support the temple and brings down the entire building with his bare hands, killing thousands in the process. Again, I am not making this up. Read it for yourself. A man uses his bare hands to bring down a huge building. How can this be viewed as anything other than a silly fable meant to inspire the masses?

Kicking Puppies

I will barely address the source of Samson’s strength, his long flowing locks of hair. Attacking this silly Bible fable is like kicking a puppy. It would be easy to do, but I would not have any fun in the process.

Looking back, I cannot fathom why I believed ridiculous stories like the story of Samson most of my life. The Bible is full of silly stories like this, and I wonder why I was willing to ignore the obvious for over three decades. Samson was not real. Samson did not perform impossible feats of strength. The legend of Samson was created by men wanting to inspire and anger people into following the edicts of their god. They just liked using silly stories to do it.