In elementary school, the teacher taught students to utilize adjectives and adverbs generously in their writing. If you look at the average grade school student’s story, you will find something a lot like this:
The thin, blonde woman talked loudly and angrily with the tall, nice man.
This sentence is correct grammatically, but it reads more like a diagram, and less like a piece of descriptive writing.
Unfortunately, older writers often fall into the same trap. And now, there is no elementary school teacher to give you a gold star. Publishable fiction writing must draw the reader into the story, not describe what is taking place. It is not an action sequence in a movie, it is an experience.
Take, for example, the following three paragraphs.
Sample One: The Elementary School Story
Greg, a brown-haired and brown-eyed man, about five foot eight and chubby, walked slowly down the street. He was coming to pick up Pam, his blonde-haired, buxom girlfriend who was sitting calmly on the cement steps in front of her red brick home.
Sample Two: Just the Facts
Greg walked down the street. He was coming to pick up his girlfriend, Pam, who was sitting on her front steps.
Sample Three: Good Descriptive Writing
Greg strolled down the street, the wind ruffling his shaggy brown hair. A smile lifted his cheeks when he spotted Pam waiting for him on her front steps. She flicked her long blonde hair over her shoulder and Greg sucked in his gut as he walked, once more amazed that such a beautiful woman wanted to be with him.
Sample One utilizes adjectives and adverbs to describe the scene. You learn that Greg has brown hair, brown eyes, is chubby, etc. Some may consider that this is painting a clear picture for the reader. In truth, it is providing too many unimportant details. Does it matter to the story that Greg has brown hair and brown eyes?
Sample Two states what is happening, but that is it. It does nothing to engage the reader, give any incite into the characters, or create any interest in knowing what might happen next. It’s boring.
Sample Three demonstrates the use of stronger verbs and nouns, instead of adjectives and adverbs, to create a realistic scene. This paragraph gives the information that Greg has brown hair, and is a bit chubby, but it does it in a way that engages the reader. A lot of men, less than enthusiastic about their waistlines, understand and sympathize with Greg sucking in his gut as he goes to pick up his girlfriend.
The most important difference about this last paragraph, is that it delves into the emotions and intentions behind the action, not just the action itself, or the physical descriptions of the characters.
When writing fiction with the purpose of appealing to a wide variety of people, not only elementary school teachers, it is important to cut out as many adjectives and adverbs as you can. Interjecting action into the description, – i.e. the wind ruffling Greg’s brown hair – invites the reader into the experience. Creating a scene around the perceptions of the reader is much more effective than simply answering the questions what, where, when, how, and why.
