How to Buy New Tires, Very Inexpensively

I just had the tires replaced on my car. I didn’t get the new valve stems. I didn’t purchase the extended warranty. I didn’t want the white walls. I didn’t get the hundred
thousand mile tire(or is it the 50,000 mile? I don’t know, I never buy it) I always ask if they have anything under 500 mile.

“No, all we have is a 10,000 mile cheaper tire, but you don’t want that.

Yes, I do. No you don’t. Yes I do. No you don’t
.
You mean you won’t sell it to me?

Yes, but you don’t want it.

If I can convince you that I truly, truly, with all my heart, want it, will you sell it to me?

Yes! (Now we’re getting somewhere)

Pointing at a sign on the wall, while adroitly avoiding all the contemptuous stares of the
tire buyers forming in the line behind me, I hitch up my pants a notch and exclaim in a
very righteous tone. That sign says “the customer is always right” Right? Right. Then I am a customer and I want that tire! I have worn out four sets of that tire and I want another.

Sir! You don’t have to shout, We have no problem selling you that tire.

If you think these clerks are not Psychological Salespersons, you’re right they just
become very angry when anyone doesn’t fall into line, as most do, and purchase what
they recommend (the most expensive and unnecessary add -ons) The general public is
as guilty as the salesperson who becomes terribly offended if you don’t accept his superior knowledge. That becomes much more evident as the purchase progresses.

Want new valve stems?

NO and here we go again

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

Are they broke or something? (that is about as close as I could get not being very knowledgeable about valve stems)

No but they are probably getting old.
Oh, well then that’s alright, the whole car is approaching the age of Aquarius.

O.K but I’m going to have to write that down.

Please do.

It’s becoming a little humorous, and I actually am beginning to enjoy it. How about the extended warranty?

What do I need that for, I’m just getting the 10,000 one.

Sir, the extra warranty extends past 10,000 miles.(Great I’ve just been vindicated on
that one. They have just admitted that the cheaper tire will actually exceed 10,000 miles
almost as much as the more expensive ones, which I already knew after four identical sets.

No Thanks.

Do you want the super spin balance? No!

But Sir (She now looked as if she was ready to cry) everyone gets the balance, it tests the tire by spinning it at very higher than normal speeds.

That’s my teenage son’s job. I’ll bet he can test it higher than you can. (Now she’s staring over the top of her glasses at me instead of thru them. I’ve
got her going now)

I have to write that down too so that we are not responsible. Responsible for what, I query incredulously? Are the tires defective?

“And I suppose you don’t want the road hazard guarantee either,” she snarls.

“I have a very clean street”

“One last thing,” she brightens up at a possibility of a charge,” We have to bill you a fee for disposal of your old tires.”

That’s not necessary, my wife likes to paint them gold and plant flowers in them. And I can always stack them neatly next to the street and the next morning they are miraculously disposed.”

Now she is staring exclusively over the rims of her glasses. A few chuckles from behind in the line.

Sometimes she paints them white” I said, trying to avoid her stare.

“In your Trunk,” she hissed.

“Preferably” I countered.

By now she decides I am hopeless and call the mechanic who picks up the work order and the keys and becomes very agitated as he reads. “Sir you don’t want this tire.”

I take a deep breath, point to the sign, and begin. “If I can convince you truly, truly, with all
my….. ”

“It’s alright”, says the first saleslady ” just install them”(She now becomes my lawyer albeit with much contempt)

I actually bought the tires so cheap the head sales man accosted me in the parking lot and offered to buy them back with a very reasonable offer. When I declined He wished me a good day( he sounded very glad for me to be leaving)

“Thanks” I said “Actually I was thinking what are my chances for an oil and lube today”