We all want our children to be assertive, but when assertive turns to aggressive (biting, punching, kicking, pinching) something needs to be done. It’s hard to know what to do when your adorable small child turns into a mean machine. You are probably bewildered by this behavior, and may be at your wits’ end trying to deal with it. Here are a few tips on handling aggression in young children that may help you.
What to do. At the first sign of aggression, intervene and stop it. Please, don’t spank them. Hitting your child for hitting is not going to teach them anything. Better punishments include time outs, removal of privileges (no swimming in the pool tomorrow, no video games), or whatever else you normally do when your child misbehaves. Talk to them about what they are doing, why it hurts others, and what behavior they could engage in instead. Young children need your sympathy and understanding when dealing with their aggression. You can also practice defusing your child’s anger – teach them to say “I’m angry!” or “I’m hungry!” rather than punching.
Understand the aggression. Understand where it’s coming from. Aggression in small children can be tough because many times you don’t know why they are acting this way. Something is triggering this aggressive behavior, but sometimes small children can’t or won’t tell you, or are even too small to really know. Look for triggers.
Triggers. Usually some sort of internal or external stress causes aggression in young children. Triggers can include being hungry, being too tired, not being able to control something, not being able to express himself or herself, and others. Even a lack of routine or over-stimulation can bring out aggression in young children. Your child may be seeing or even be the victim of aggression if he or she attends preschool, daycare or other activities. Discuss the behavior with teachers, coaches, etc. to find out what is happening.
Clues. Clues you can watch for include who your young child is directing the aggression toward. Is it one parent only, one particular friend or playmate? Are there patterns to the aggression – for example, does it only occur on school days or after dinner or after a car ride? This can help you, and possibly a therapist, identify the aggression triggers.
Get some help. Don’t be afraid to get professional help if you need it. Many therapists specialize in child behavior (click here for tips for finding a child therapist) and you may only need a few sessions for a therapist to discover why your young child is being aggressive and what you can do to help her. Warning signs that you need professional help include patterns of aggressive, chronic behavior, especially toward adults; constant arguing; spiteful or vindictive behavior; and blaming others.
You and your young child can overcome this issue – it just takes time and patience. And all children deserve that!
