‘Conan the Barbarian’ 1982 vs. 2011

As a child of the ’80s, I get separation anxiety when Schwarzenegger is no longer “Conan the Barbarian.” Arnold casts a large shadow, but upon deeper reflection there is much sorely lacking in the 2011 reboot.

Conan – Schwarzenegger vs. Momoa

Conan was Schwarzenegger’s breakthrough, proving his muscle bound accent was more than just “Pumping Iron.” An unprecedented onscreen presence, he convincingly pulled off the emotionally scarred warrior. With a lot to prove in the role, it shows in his overzealous barbarianism. Next to “The Terminator” this was the only role Schwarzenegger was actually fit to play.

With Jason Momoa, the filmmakers would’ve been better off giving the film to child actor Leo Howard as young Conan, who carries the film’s opening alongside Ron Pearlman. Momoa isn’t a horrible actor, but spends most of the film spewing anachronistic one-liner nonsense. He also had a lot to prove, but his episodic TV acting is baggage new muscles can’t handle.

The Bad Guy – Stephen Lang vs. James Earl Jones

Lang is the strongest actor of the 2011 film as the warlord Khalar Zym, yet he is confined to running around growling about power without any true appreciation for it. There isn’t a moment when Zym casts doubt on Conan’s survival, which is disappointing given his diverse roles on stage and screen.

In 1982, James Earl Jones’ already evoked evil as Darth Vader’s voice in “Star Wars,” but is wickedly weird as the sorcerer warlord Thulsa Doom. We firmly believe Doom could easily shape shift an arm into a snake and eat Conan’s heart from his chest while also grooming his bad Egyptian haircut.

Ladies of the Hyborian Age

In Conan’s mythical age the woman are otherworldly, but 2011’s ladies just can’t hold a torch to 1982. Rachel Nichols as Princess Tamara in 2011 barely deserves mention beyond being annoying and Rose McGowan as Zym’s witch daughter ends up annoying in her search for daddy’s approval. In 1982 three actresses gave their best known performances and while that’s not saying much, like Schwarzenegger these gals gave their all. The most impressive was Sandahl Bergman as Valeria, Conan’s ass-kicking sidekick who did her own stunts.

The Directors: Marcus Nispel vs. John Milius

Milius helmed the original and is also credited with several legendary cinematic contributions. He was a co-writer on “Jeremiah Johnson,” “Magnum Force,” and “Apocalypse Now,” writing the iconic line, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning” and Dirty Harry’s monologues (“Make My Day”). Milius is also the inspiration for Walter in “The Big Lebowski.” Milius also co-wrote “Conan” with Oliver Stone.

Then there is Marcus Nispel; an accomplished director, but “Conan the Barbarian” is yet another remake, or reboot if that’s what you want to call it. He is mostly known for very mixed reactions to reboots of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Friday the 13th.”

The Narrators: Mako vs. Morgan Freeman

The 1982 narration from Japanese actor Mako is one of the most memorable aspects, including his role as the Wizard Akiro. I’ll admit that in hearing Morgan Freeman’s voice in the 2011 opening, my expectations raised tenfold. It ended up feeling like a cheap trick to make the narration seem equally important, but Freeman has nothing to do with the film, and it seems misplaced.

Settling the Score: Tyler Bates vs. Basil Poledouris

Poledouris’ original film score from 1982 is an intricately composed, operatic powerhouse often considered a masterwork of classic scores. Tyler Bates’ 2011 score? Not so much.