We’ve all heard of temper tantrums, road rage, and anger management classes. We have all experienced anger and know how it feels. But, obviously, some people deal with anger better than others, while some seem to be beyond self-control.
Pre-school children may have a few temper tantrums while they are learning other ways to communicate their frustrations and deal with anger. Some grow up never learning how to deal with their feelings. Some “stifle” their feelings and don’t deal with them at all; then they “explode” and frighten people away.
From the “passive-aggressive” individual who tries to hurt others without letting them know of his anger, or who “retaliates” for some mis-perceived hurt while acting blameless, the passive-aggressive personality will probably only provoke anger in others without relieving the aggression he is feeling. (Dr. Joyce Brothers) Or, the “loose cannon” simply blows off his mouth and intimidates people, until someone directly confronts him and it escalates into a fight.
Learned behavior patterns are difficult to “unlearn,” so the sooner a problem is recognized, the quicker it should be dealt with.
If you know you have an “anger issue,” there are things you can do to help yourself to manage your anger in more effective, less stressful ways. The Mayo clinic offers “10 ways to tame your temper.
1. Timeout. Count to 10. It does work. Allow a bit of time before over-reacting or speaking out of line.
2. Space. Physically remove yourself from the person with whom you’re angry. Anger usually subsides. Distance is good.
3. After the initial anger subsides a bit, try to express your anger in a non-confrontational way. Verbalizing your frustrations can lessen the impact of anger. “Stewing” about it is not healthy and can allow things to fester even more.
4. Exercise. About anything goes here: walk, run, jog, swim, lift weights, or go pound a punching bag. Physical activity is a safe and healthy outlet.
5. Think before you speak, not the other way around. Focus on what is important and what point you want to make. Be clear about the issue that made you angry. Don’t get sidetracked or shoot off your mouth and say things you’ll regret.
6. Think about “solutions.” Don’t keep re-playing in your mind the matter that set you off. Attempt a genuine “resolution” with the person you’re dealing with.
7. Speak in the first person, “I.” Don’t increase the tension by blaming or criticizing another person. Try to defuse the situation by saying things like, “I’m upset because you didn’t do this,” rather than saying, “You should have done that.” Speak in a cooperative and non-threatening tone. “How can we settle this and make it better in the future?”
8. “Don’t hold a grudge.” The situation is not going to get any better if you can’t let go and put it behind you. Most people don’t intentionally try to make other people angry, and they probably want to work it out to everyone’s future benefit. Talk it over rationally, after things have calmed down a bit.
9. “Humor” is one of the best human emotions to counteract anger and defuse a tense situation. Lighten things up. Don’t use sarcasm, which can escalate emotional tensions quickly.
10. Relax. Try any form of meditation that appeals to you; practice deep-breathing; try visualization; try to calm down. Some people enjoy doing yoga exercises; others listen to music or release emotions through journal-writing.
If you need outside help to deal with anger, counseling therapy or anger management classes have been proven to work. In therapy, you can learn about what triggers your anger. Through classes, you can learn other, safer, more healthful ways of managing your anger.
Anger turned inwards can become depression, to the point of suicidal thoughts.
According to Robert Zackery, a social worker with the Mayo Foundation, repressed anger or rage-like anger takes an emotional and physical toll. You can develop sleep problems, headaches, high blood pressure and digestive problems. Some people with high-stress-levels, who can’t manage their anger, have heart attacks.
You can also read self-help books on how to deal with anger. Many workbooks have helpful exercises, which you can do by yourself while you re-learn how to manage anger in a healthier way.
As a final warning to those who can’t control their anger, irritability, anxiety or depression, check in with a doctor. Once you’ve eliminated physical causes behind uncontrollable feelings, seek mental health solutions.
There is help out there, if you look for it.
Sources:
Dr. Joyce Brothers, psychologist and syndicated columnist. “Quiz Topic: Temper, Temper! How High Is Your Anger Iq?” ArcaMax Publishing, Dr. Brothers Newsletter, by e-mail 10-29-08. Http://www.arcamax.com/news/drjoycebrothers.
MayoClinic.com. “Anger management tips: 10 ways to tame your temper,” June 25, 2009. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Retrieved 9-11-09. Http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management.
Robert T. Zackery, LICSW. “Anger management: Expert answers to common questions.” June 24, 2009. MayoClinic.com. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Retrieved 9-11-09. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management.
