As a parent you feel you need to protect your baby even before it is born. Losing a baby can be one of the hardest deaths to deal with. Remember women and men grief differently. Mothers may go through a period of blaming yourself or your body. Fathers may want to go back to work really quick. People around both of you may say the wrong things trying to help. Some of the comments might be your young try again? Maybe it was not your turn to have a baby? You feel this was supposed to be your partners and your baby and all you want to do is hold it, touch it and watch it grow and now you won’t be able to.
Most stillbirth babies are beautiful they just look like they are sleeping. If you get a chance take pictures, wash or bath your baby, dress him or her get footprint and hand prints spend sometime with the baby. Allow your partner if he or she wants to hold the baby or other family members. Name your little one and rock and sing to them. The hardest part is leaving the hospital without your baby. Some couples have a service for the baby also.
After you get home you may get depressed, withdrawal, angry, and have a feeling of numbness or empty arms or abandoned. Listen carefully it is ok to talk about your baby to others. This child was a member of your family and a part of you even before he/she came into this world. They kicked or punch and you felt them. When you come home after the stillbirth you may have things up still. Some of these are the changing table, crib, clothes or a whole nursery done. Start putting things away in your own time. You may want to do this project alone or with your partner, family or a close friend. Allow your body to realize you did lose a baby. Some grieving mothers or fathers need to go into the nursery just to start and heal and they feel closer to the baby. It is ok to take a blanket or something precious and hold it close after losing your baby and let your emotions out.
A lot of the time men don’t know how to deal with the loss. Men may withdrawal and go back to work soon. In there minds they are mourning themselves, for the baby they longed to know and see grow up and wont be able to and also worried about mom. Most men go through a stage they feel like they are the protector of the family and they did not protect. In our society if men cry or show emotion they are weak so they feel sad and may let it out as being angry.
Many moms will go through a period of why did this happen and she will read every topic about stillbirth and try and educate or study as much as possible about it. When parents and family is going to need a lot of support? Right after but more importantly due date, first anniversary of the baby’s death, holidays will be really hard. In our family we have a special place set aside in our house for the first born baby daughter we lost. The pain does not go away all the way after you lose a child. The only thing that helps me is praying for all my children weather they are with me or the ones up in Heaven through out the day. After I went through the lose I thought I can help out March of Dimes and other organizations and pray that one day we can stop stillbirths so no other families have to lose a baby.
Partners need to communicate through this trial. My hubby and I made a vow in the hospital room after our lose this will draw us closer. Some days you two may feel connected and others you may not. Make time for yourselves as a couple. Some days will be good and others will be bad. Hard days are feeling of being empty either in your stomach or your arms you crave to have that baby back in your tummy or your arms. Try to get as much support as possible talk to other parents who have experienced a stillbirth. Find a grief support group either on the internet or in your town. A lot of times you can talk to someone in your church or pray and tell Jesus what you are feeling.
Your other children may ask question answer them truthfully. Share pictures, feet and hand prints with them for this was there baby too. They may go through cry spells, get angry and confused just be there for them. Comfort, hold and communicate together. Try to see if your area has support grieving counseling for siblings.
Some women feel they need to get pregnant right away other wait. I would suggest waiting until you body, spirit and family has really healed. If you decide to have another baby most women are scared and excited at the same time. Remember each pregnancy is different and pray that the Lord would watch over your baby and your family. Some women decide to tell loved ones in the first trimester about the new pregnancy and others put it off until later.
Some parents like myself decide to share some clothes for a future baby. Also you may want your child to be blessed or prayed for right after they enter the world. Tell the newest baby about the baby you lost so they know about there older sibling. Remember life goes on and you can get through this tough time and you don’t ever have to forget the baby that you lost. Pray for them every day.
Reference:
- march of dimes
