Chivalry is dead, or so it appears in our culture. The days of gentlemen opening doors for ladies, standing when a woman enters the room, or doffing his cap respectfully seem to be firmly fixed in the “good old days.” What has happened to this part of our society? I believe there are many reasons for the absence of courtesy in our culture but the following are the main causes for the demise.
Lack of Ladies
Perhaps the best place to start is with the gentlemen’s counterparts: the ladies. This article could easily have been “What Happened to the Ladies?” Or maybe I should say, “what happened to ladylike qualities in women?” If we expect men to act chivalrous, do we not, as women, need to exhibit ladylike qualities ourselves?
Feminism brought many good things to women such as rights to vote, own property, find equal standing in the workplace, et cetera, but also imposed a new standard of conduct. In looking for equality, women seemed to lose polite conduct that separated the genders.
Scott Farrell, of ChivalryToday.com says, “Somewhere along the line, we got it pounded into our heads that chivalry and equality could not co-exist. But I think the analysts and social commentators who told us that, didn’t have a thorough understanding of what chivalry really was. They saw an act of courtesy or deference and interpreted it as the result of a condescending attitude. What they missed was the respect and mutual admiration which such an act of chivalry conveys – if they had looked at chivalry from that angle, I suspect there never would have been any talk about its ‘death’.”
I believe Farrell has hit on the root cause of the demise. Thanks to this, the even the mere opening of a door for a woman was viewed as an attack on equality. Referring to a married woman by her husband’s name, such as Mrs. Smith, became passé. We saw an increase in women keeping their maiden names when marrying or hyphenating their surname with their husband’s. Mrs. and Miss became old-fashioned as well and the marital status-neutral Ms. took greater significance. None of this is a bad thing in and of itself, but it is simply further proof that society felt chivalry could not co-exist with equality.
Lack of Teachers in the Home
Of course one must not leave this all on the doorstep of one gender. The men have equal part in the demise of chivalry. I believe laziness may be one of the primary reasons gentlemen are rare. I say laziness not to insult but to explain. Men have the duty in their families to be the example for not only their sons but for their daughters. A father is the first example a young woman has of how men should act, treat their families and their wives. If Dad shows Mom respect in the home and if he shows it to women he comes in contact with, his daughter will grow to expect nothing less than that level of respect from her own husband. Likewise, a son will see how his father acts and hopefully emulate it.
Therefore, I say laziness because our culture lives in at a very fast pace. We work on an average of 60 hours a week, sometimes more. Taking time to eat together as a family is often too difficult to manage. How is one to find time to be home long enough to teach this respect? Then throw into the mix divorce. It is at an all-time high with at least half of first marriages ending in separation and/or divorce. The children are in a completely different situation than that of their grandparents or great-grandparents. They are navigating through two households and often two working parents. Teaching a child by example has become even more difficult.
Lack of Church Attendance
Oh yes! Decry me all you like, but I stand firm on this. Attendance in church, if nothing else, prepares people for a few things: how to act in a dignified situation, how to dress appropriately for a solemn activity, and how to respect your authority figures. Some churches today have become much more relaxed, but most church goers attempt to dress up a little. For many of us, church was the first social function in which we had to learn to address our elders with respect and carry on polite conversation.
Lack of Propriety in Appearance
Outward appearances do go a long way in how others treat you. It has been proven in job interviews. My husband has told me he could tell a lot about a person’s character and work ethic just by their outfit choice. The ones who took care in their appearance would, most likely, be the better choice because they would take care in their work. Likewise, people tend to treat others based on their clothing choices. If you are dressed well and appropriate for the occasion, you will be amazed at the polite responses from others.
One example I like to use is dressing for airplane flights. We have read a lot about girls and inappropriate clothing on flights and the stir it has caused but flip that around and see what happens. I used to dress to be comfortable on flights and that usually meant sloppy sweat suits and sneakers. In an experiment, I decided to wear a nice dress and matching shoes for a flight. As I was boarding, the pilot (yes, it was a puddle jumper flight) offered to carry my bag up the stairs for me. He not only did that but he also put the bag into the overhead bin for me. Later, a male passenger stepped aside so I could disembark in front of him. What a difference! After that, whenever possible, I dress up for flights and still am amazed at the politeness.
So is chivalry dead? Maybe some of it is. But there is hope. Men’s organizations are and have been working to embrace the idea of chivalry for some time. From Promise Keepers to Sigma Alpha Epsilon, there is optimism for the future.
In fact Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s creed is a wonderful statement of how a man should act: “The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.” – John Walter Wayland (Virginia 1899)
Sources:
http://students.washington.edu/sigmaae/creed_meaning.htm
http://www.chivalrytoday.com/Farrell/Chivalry-Is-Dead.html
