LAST WEEK ON IMPACT: Turmoil between Cage and Styles, the partner unveiled, Booker T (prepare for recurring theme)!, and now…
A turkey with a gold medal and American flag planted in it. Oh, and one on a plate, ready to eat, too. It’s the Angle Alliance Thanksgiving Meal, and we’re invited. Childish pranks abound! Less said the better, let’s go!
And now, from the Impact Zone (or Universal Studios Florida), it’s TNA IMPACT! Tonight, it’s the Turkey Bowl! Winner gets $25,000 and a mini-hubcap. Loser must wear a turkey suit. The bracket: Devon vs. Sabin vs. Abyss in the first match, Devine vs. Kip James vs. Samoa Joe next, then Styles vs. Lethal vs. Cage in the third! Away we go…
BROTHER DEVON VS. CHRIS SABIN VS. ABYSS
Oh, look, Devon is with child? I mean, he looks like he’s lactating. The doctors need to shut him down. And he’s got issues with Sabin, remember? So he gets him before the bell. Abyss comes to the party late, he missed Devon use Sabin as his own personal Frisbee. Abyss goes nuts, his usual varied offense of punches and punches, but he does level Sabin with a beautiful Shock Treatment. But here comes Rellik and Black Reign to take Abyss out of the picture, but he was the third wheel here anyway. Devon whomps on Sabin with punches for a while, goes for his crappy inverse DDT to finish, but Sabin escapes up and over the shoulders, rolls up Devon for the pin and he’s into the finals. D
Oh, good, we’re saved from actual wrestling by the Decomposing Duo, Nash and Hall. They want to know where the party is. Crystal points them in the right direction. They say they’ll drop in for dessert (suspense!).
First of many Booker T videos. Usually, this would annoy me, but I’m a huge fan, so hype away in this case!
Back to the dinner. Robert Roode arrives, and, being a real man (sarcasm), he slams the door on Miss Brooks. “Cowboy” James Storm and Miss Jackie Moore arrive, and they’re tanked (shock). Harris arrives and he’s complaining (though rightly about having to be with Angle to get on TV), and begins jawing with Roode. Eric Young is here! Angle’s upset! We all win!
JOHNNY DEVINE VS. KIP JAMES VS. SAMOA JOE
Odds are pretty good you can call the winner and the loser in this match, but humor us, won’t ya? Back to last week’s “swerve”, and now Havoc is back to being Johnny Devine. So? All three are in the ring, and Joe begins to bring the pain, dropping them both with punches, then does his slick little chop-to-neck, kick-to-face on the seated Devine, then a nasty knee drop. James from behind (now, now!) reverse whip, Joe down, James over, atomic drop for Joe. Joe to the ropes, but B.G. James grabs an ankle, and the other two get some of the distracted Joe. James and Devine bust out the Hart Attack double team on Joe, but Devine is pulled off by James when he went for the cover. They argue, Joe gets up and gets to killin’. Now it’s Musclebuster time on James in the corner, but B.G interferes again. The ref tosses him. While this is going on, Devine tries his luck, but he looks hungry, so Joe makes him eat a Musclebuster for the win. You called it, didn’t ya? C-
More Angle stuff. The X-Division B-Team (Shark Boy, Petey Williams, Sanjay Dutt) walk in, Dutt trying to raise money in his tambourine for the poor, and getting food in it instead. Storm and Young get their drink on. Styles excuses himself for his match, with Karen yelling at him about not eating. More to come, I know you’re RIVETED!
Poor Don West thinks the dinner scenes are “intriguing.” I weep for him, and us all.
A.J. STYLES VS. BLACK MACHISMO VS. CHRISTIAN CAGE
Lethal continues to channel the (allegedly) living Savage, it is fun to watch. Cage is nowhere to be found, so we’ll just have Styles and Sav…Lethal, who tries to roll up Styles to steal one, but only gets two. Leapfrog, then hurancanrana by Lethal, then a slam, then to the top for double axe, gets two. Lethal goes for the slam again, and Styles is over the top, whip to ropes, Lethal blocks a punch with a axe block, cartwheels, and hits a single leg dropkick, covers for two. Styles posts him, gives him some shoulders, whip to far side, and misses a body splash. Lethal grabs a headlock, Styles pushes him to the ropes, sneaks in a chop on the break, now a whip, Styles leapfrog and hits a MASSIVE dropkick, Lethal sells it like a gunshot, great spot. NOW we have Cage, and Styles sees him, and the running shall commence into the break…and a poetry slam PSA against weed. I’m all for that. The poetry, not the weed! Did I say too much?!
We’re back, now Cage has some quality time with Lethal, as Styles is off hiding somewhere. Lethal gets a rollup for two, but Cage knocks him back to Wrestlemania V with a clothesline. There’s a shot of Styles up in the entrance after a Cage neckbreaker. Cage has a Big Bag O’ Backdrop for Lethal, which gives him time to chase off Styles again. It also gives Lethal a little time to recover, as he blocks a suplex with a small package for two, but Cage is back in charge, backing him into the corner, slapping Lethal and giving him the Savage whirly finger taunt, goes for the whip, but Lethal meets him across with an elbow, then jumps off the top with a nice side kick for two. The Savage Top Rope Necksnap leads to a springboard dropkick, gets the near fall. Cage sends him to the ropes, but Lethal catches him with the Lethal Combination (back of head to knee, then faceplant into mat), but he’s sucking wind and can’t follow up quickly enough, so Styles crotches him on the top rope. He falls off, Christian nails the Unprettier, but isn’t paying attention when Styles springboard splashes Lethal, and taps on Cage’s shoulder to give him the win…but the ref counts the pin for Styles. Wah-wahhhhhh. Good match. B-
Angle is making me hate Thanksgiving. Is that wrong? Well, here comes Reign and Rellik to save the day. Rellik grabs the turkey, and Reign puts Misty the Rat in Karen’s asparagus. My heroes!
More Booker T hype.
Back for more. Note to TNA TV folks: May not want to have a fresh looking wrestler show up in a vignette right after getting beat senseless by two men. Example: Here’s Lethal, looking very healthy, and he brought a girrrrrllllll! It was funny to hear Tenay and West try to dance around it, though.
VELVET SKY VS. ANGELINA LOVE VS. O.D.B.
West and Tenay compare Sky’s butt-baring entrance into the ring with the best of TNA’s entrances, West wishing to be a ring rope out loud. Ugh. ODB’s got a flask of Dutch courage with her, and she hits it on the way in. Guess what the initials stand for? Time’s up! It’s Over Due for a Beating in this case, the other girls get a lot of ODB offense, Love getting pulled out of the ring and tossed up the ramp. Ouch! Then, to the ring to beat on Sky for a while. And some chest grabbing. Hmmm. The crowd chants her name. Connection? You decide. But off the top comes Love with a body press for two, then reverses out of a ODB side slam with a head scissors. Drink break, as ODB lets Love and Sky share some punches to get a sip. Sky does her Ultimo Dragon impression, kicking all heck out of Love. Not a good night for Angie, eh? A DDT needs an ODB save to keep Love from being DOA. (Sorry.) Love shoves ODB, goes for cross body, but ODB catches her, and gives her the overhead slam! Wow, behold the power of booze! Another ODB chant. Sky tries some offense, but ODB gets a hold of her, goes to the top rope, and begins to slam Sky’s head onto the buckle between her legs. Yes, you got the visual and the point. West calls it the “Dirty Dozen,” and ODB finishes Sky with a huge Lou Thesz press (vertical body, holding opponent down by shoulders to mat) from the top, her, uh, assets in Sky’s face for the pin. No wonder she’s so popular. Jokes aside, there was more wrestling in this one match that all of WWE women’s matches in recent memory, I’m sure. Good one. C
Now, let’s hype Turning Point, live December 8 and ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW! Feast or Fire match, 15 men, four cases, one has a world title match, one an X-division match, one a tag title match, and one a pink slip, hanging on poles. Merry Christmas to you, too. 3D and Devine vs. Motor City MachineGuns and Black Machismo. Any chance of a substitution? No? Darn. Reign/Rellik vs. Abyss/Rhyno in a Match of 10,000 Thumbtacks. Unsaid rule: First one to use an actual move loses.
AWESOME KONG vs. Gail Kim for Knockout title. Poor Gail. Goodnight, and good luck, sweetie.
And the match Tenay calls “the six-man tag we’ve all been waiting for” (and he didn’t sound the least bit cynical. God bless that man!), the Over-the-Hillers and Samoa Joe vs. Angle Alliance (Angle, Styles, Tomko).
Angle looks to restore order back at the table. But he asks JB if that’s a turkey baster in his pocket or is he happy to see him? Ah-yuk! HERE COMES KONG! Oh, yeah, hurt someone! Oh, well, she’s eating the wax fruit. Boy, is Gail in trouble. ALL HAIL KONG!
Here’s a little creepy Triple-X segment, with Christopher Daniels as a cult leader lit up like a Christmas tree (literally, not figuratively) and telling us we’re worthless, because we’re sinners. Thanks for the uplift, Chris, and I’ll see you in church on Sunday!
3D has arrived. Quick, give them that rat as%paragus, they look hungry! The X-ers and 3D are jawing, then the X-ers leave in protest, leaving the Freakish Three (Kong, Rellik, and Reign) and 3D with the Angles. They go to the kiddie table with Kira Angle, who tells them they suck! (Good girl!) Angle points at Karen, pinning blame on her. What a man.
Review of Turkey Bowl finalists: Sabin sneaking one away from Devon, Joe feeding the hungry Devine, Styles getting the vulture win on Lethal…
TURKEY BOWL FINALS: CHRIS SABIN VS. SAMOA JOE VS. A.J. STYLES
This looks to be great! Joe gets another great reaction, and you have to wonder why they’re wasting him in this whole Hillers/Angle thing. Styles gets to be a pinball to start, getting punched between Joe and Sabin for a little bit, then a double whip, Joe gives him a backdrop to go, and Sabin sends him out over the top, Styles flying back-first into the steel outside. Ouch! Now Sabin and Joe throw down, reversing a few armdrags, giving each other a few heel trips, and ending with Sabin ducking under a Joe kick at his head. The crowd shows their appreciation for that great segment. Now comic relief: Styles comes charging in, missing a clothesline badly and flies out the other side, Sabin shielding his eyes for a look into the distance for added humor. Joe’s had enough fun, here’s a tongue-numbing chop for Sabin, but Sabin answers with a sweet spin kick to knock Joe out. Time to fly, as Sabin runs toward Joe and…no, bounces off, flies and nails Styles on the other side! Break time…for some video game ads, what a surprise.
Back in, Sabin taking time between punches to AJ to show him where on his hand Detroit is, then runs at him, but AJ hotshots him in a nasty spot. Joe back in for some rights, AJ pokes him in the eyes, but Joe kicks his legs out from under him, Styles doing the front flip sell onto his butt. Wow, these guys are clicking. Joe runs at Sabin, nails an elbow, then jumps and kicks Sabin in the head! Sabin bails, Joe pumps up the crowd, time to fly for the big man, but from nowhere Styles gets a flying forearm to stop it, then a slingshot over the top to kick Joe, and THROUGH to the outside to get Sabin in nearly one motion! It’s Sabin’s turn to back up to some steel. AJ kicks Joe, gets some rights, into the corner, but Joe charges out, AJ drops down, and there’s a sniper dropkick for Joe, who, like Lethal earlier, sells it like a headshot. These guys must like AJ, they’re selling their butts off for him. Sabin back up, slingshot to top, armdrag off rope, then double-underhooks him, rolls him over in a nifty cradle for two. Styles gives him a double thrust to the throat, whips to far side, Sabin latches in the Octopus Hold, calls for Joe to double Styles up, Styles gets out, and Sabin gets under Joe’s ‘line, grabs Joe in the Octopus and rolls it through for a pin attempt, but Styles dropkicks Sabin in the head for the break. Eek! Styles is going for the vertical suplex on Joe, Tenay calls it, saying he’s a speed guy, but he gets him over! He also hurts his back, but still goes after Sabin in the corner, whipping him to the ropes, and gives him a HUGE backbreaker over the knee. Styles snapmares Joe over now, slaps on a chinlock, Sabin gives Styles one now! Joe powers them both up, and gives them both a jawbreaker! Nice spot. Time for another break…who’s got five on “video game ads? Anyone? Anyone?
Back to Styles working Joe over in the corner, slapping the big man and talking trash. Seems stupid to me, but I can’t back it up, so what do I know? He strolls cocky over to Sabin, who hits him in the gut, then runs at the staggering AJ, grabs him in a headlock, jumps up, kicks Joe, and floats through to the DDT on Styles in one move. Mucho style points, but only two on the count. Sabin’s energetic, runs between the two, hitting them both, then whipping Styles into Joe, who catches him, kicks Sabin, who staggers to the corner, where Joe slams Styles into him, then powerslams AJ down, who just does get out at two. No single moves tonight, everything’s a combo, eh? Fine by me! Joe atomic drops Styles, then kicks him in the head, Sabin gets up, and gets tossed onto Styles, then Joe hits his Big Nasty Senton (jumping back splash. Joe’s 287. You do the math.) on AJ, and Sabin has to save AJ’s bacon. Sabin and Joe now slug it out, Sabin gets him to the ropes after a spin kick to the gut, tries once to clothesline him out, no dice, twice, the same,(cut to AJ setting up a table outside), thrice, but Joe attempts a backdrop. Sabin floats over to the apron instead, though, then tries to punch Joe, who blocks that and tries a kick, Sabin blocks that, wraps the leg on the rope, then uses the rope to fire a hard kick into Joe’s face, and that’ll finally drop him. Whoa! But Sabin can’t follow up, as Styles grabs his foot on the springboard tries and drops him, face-first on the apron, then adds a little iron to Sabin’s diet. They fight near the table, but Joe’s the one to find it the hard way, trying to splash both guys and hitting the wood instead. Spike breaks…and have a look at those creepy olive eyeballs. Eww.
Here’s what TNA needs to do more of, let the wrestling do the talking. WWE can’t touch these guys in that department. Enough with the talking. Likewise for me, sorry. Styles gives Sabin a gutshot, then runs to ropes, and hits a wicked looking sliding neckbreaker for two. He undercut Sabin instead of going over the top. Styles busts out the Eddie Guerrero brainbuster for another two. A shot of Joe, and he looks sick. I wonder why. Styles argues with the ref, then goes back to Sabin. Styles runs the ropes, but so does Sabin. AJ stops to look at where Sabin was, and where Sabin is is Diamond Cutting AJ! Styles pops up, staggers to the corner, and Sabin kicks his teeth in, then rolls him out towards center, then springboards to top rope and hits a clothesline 3/4ths of the way across the ring! Styles barely gets his shoulder up. Enziguri (standing kick to back of head) for Sabin, then gets Styles up in the fireman’s carry, going for the Cradle Shock, but Styles rolls off, roll-up, no, the Styles Clash (pick up opponent by feet, head between knees, drop down hard)! And it takes a heroic Joe save from nowhere to keep the match going. Chop for Styles, whip, Styles gets an elbow, springboard to moonsault, but Joe catches him like a piece of paper, and hits a wicked Emerald Fusion (head into mat side slam), now it’s Sabin playing Superman. Another break! My hands are falling off and I don’t care!
Back with Sabin giving Joe a springboard snap tornado DDT. Tenay beats the “this is what seperates us from the competition” drum, and there’s no argument here. Sabin to the top, but Joe stops him, then joins him. Sabin slugs him off, Joe staggers, Styles hits him from behind, knocks him into ropes, and Sabin will need some ice in his special place. Joe, being a nice guy, kicks him in the face to make him forget. Good night, Sabin. Joe turns to go for Styles, who busts out the Pele (just like the soccer bicycle kick) right on top of Joe’s head! Staggers to the corner, Styles charges, but Joe grabs him WITH ONE ARM around the neck and slams him on the mat hard! The guy’s a frickin’ beast! Styles is meat, and Joe’s hungry for some Musclebuster. Game, set, one hell of a match! A+
Joe gets the check and the buckle, we see a video package with just a few highlights of this awesome match, and it’s turkey time for Styles, but Angle’s heading out, since no one he’s associated with will look like a turkey! He and Tomko roll out!
Back at the ranch, the Dumptastic Duo show up and slam pies in Karen’s face. Then the required food fight breaks out, but KONG DOESN’T CARE! She grabs a leg right out of midair and bites it. I think I’m in love.
Styles is still in the ring, refusing to put on the suit. Jim Cornette waddles out and threatens much firing if he doesn’t suit up, so, reluctantly, he does. The crowd yells “Gobble, gobble” at Turk…er, AJ, and here comes the champ. They discuss who looks more ridiculous, the turkey AJ or the pilgrim Angle. Joe and the Hillers come out, say they all look like donkeys (but the other word), Angle says better that than a Samoan, Hillers and Joe come down, whomp some turkey and pilgrim and biker wannabe butt, and that’s that.
The only problem is that great match should’ve been the “that’s that,” but other than that, a great show this time. STICK TO THE WRESTLING, I BEG YOU, TNA!
Next week, Booker’s in the ring!
Same place (Spike TV), same time (9-11 pm est), less filling!
