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Real Life: I Have OCD

Living with Ocd

Obsessive-compulsive Disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder commonly called OCD is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted thoughts and obsessions that compel them to carry out rituals or behaviors to satisfy that obsession. I have OCD.

Types of OCD

There are many different types of OCD. Some people have a fear of germs and wash their hands over and over again. Some cannot let things go and begin to hoard. Others like me check things repeatedly or have to put things into certain order. And there’s many more type of OCD. These ideas and impulses vary from case to case. But they are all the same in that they overwhelm our minds and cause much distress and anxiety.

You may not even see it anymore. Or even give it a second thought. But most people recognize that their behavior is excessive or unreasonable. And once that happens then progress can begin.

I have known that I have had OCD for many years now. But it wasn’t until I got married that I realized to what extent I had it. It’s not like a disease or sickness that you can go to the doctor and get a cure. It is something that stays with you for the entirety of your life. Yes, they can give you some medication that is most commonly used as an antidepressant. For some this works it calms their nerves and makes the urge to do rituals and obsessive behaviors dwindle. But for me I did not like the way they made me feel.

Realizing something was Different

Even though I had repeated thoughts and feelings I tried to deal with them on my own. Well, my husband helped me. When I first got married I quickly realized that something was off with me. I knew from my stint with a therapist that I had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But I lived on my own for seven years. So there was no one there to tell me to stop checking the locks. There was no one there to ask me why I counted everything, or why everything had to be lined up. It wasn’t until my husband jokingly brought it to my attention. I had six candles (three frosted and three not) evenly spaced atop our television. Well one day when we had company over I would leave the room and come back and close the cabinet door, turn off the DVD player and arrange the candles back and sit and chat. I would go check on the food and come back only to do all the previous things again. After the third time I realized what was happening. When I would leave the room he would turn the DVD player on, leave the door open and mess up the candles. Now most people wouldn’t notice these things. But, I did. I do. Everything has a place and things open need to be shut and things on not being used need to be off. Is it Obsessive? Yes.

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My Obsessions

This obsession with things being in order is only a small taste of my compulsions. I cannot eat with a small utensil. In order for me to chew a piece of gum I must break it in two, chew and swallow the first half and then I can chew the second piece. If there are multiples of something I have to put them into an order sequence. For example a bag of Skittles or M&Ms;, I separate all the colors and then count them. Then I put them in a pyramid formation in rows of color by the amount. It may not make sense to you but I makes perfect sense to me. I have to go to bed when the time is of a certain order of numbers. For example I can only go to sleep at 1:23, 12:21, 11:11 or 5:43. These ideas and thoughts put me at ease.

If for some reason I don’t do them, I think about it. Or rather I obsess about it. I cannot get it out of my head. I have at times thought about something I didn’t do right (in my mind) days, weeks even months later. One would think once you have satisfied a craving per say that that desire would go away. But just like a person addicted to drugs or food, that craving is hard to get rid of. The only difference is a drug or food addiction can be overcome. My obsessions can be repressed but they are still there. Back to my husband, when we first moved into our apartment I had to check the locks three times. If I somehow checked it four times I would have to do it two more times equaling six. Or when he kissed me I had to kiss him three times or six or eight times. This made it hard to just leave, kiss once and say goodbye. My number obsession often times drives me to my compulsion to repeat things. I wash my hands a certain way and yes I use three paper towels.

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Relief

Like I mentioned before a person does certain behaviors to get rid of an obsessive thought. But this is only temporary. Not doing what the mind tells us can cause great anxiety. And doing what the mind tells us also can cause great anxiety. It can interfere with everyday life and make you yearn for answers and help.

Your family doctor or therapist may prescribe you a medication or combination of medications to help diminish these urges. I am a person who doesn’t like to take pills. So medications are out of the question for me. Exposure therapy works for me. You are exposed to a situation that triggers your obsessive thoughts, and this is done over and over again. Until you learn to tolerate the anxiety and resist the urge to perform the compulsion. This takes time. But it works. Sometimes the combination of medication and therapy are needed.

Treatment of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is just a way to help reduce your anxiety and stress due to the disorder. There is no cure for OCD. Improvement and progress can and will happen. But a time where you will never have these thoughts won’t happen. I can deal with my obsessions and compulsions, I still stress over things at times but it doesn’t consume my life. With the help of therapy in the past and the help of my ever patient husband I am living my life. I know my actions in the past were excessive and at times a little weird. But knowing that helps me keep them under control.

Living with OCD

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For me, realizing that something was different wasn’t heartbreaking. It was almost a breath of fresh air. I wasn’t crazy. Well to me I wasn’t. I have what millions have, an illness. Is it debilitating? At times, yes it can be. Can I live with it? I have for 30 years, so yes. It wasn’t the end of the world for me. But rather it was the beginning.

Then having someone to be there for me was the icing on the cake. I have someone who doesn’t judge or criticize me for my odd ways. My husband makes light of the situations. He kisses me one extra time so that I will have to kiss him two more times. He makes me feel as normal as possible.

And once we had children, I never felt as if I was incapable of raising and teaching them right. But instead he constantly tells me how good of a job I am doing. Yes my two year old exhibits compulsive tendencies. But I don’t let that bother me. I just think to myself, it gives her character.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can either take over your life or you can take over the disorder. I have chosen to do the latter. My compulsions and urges do not rule my life anymore. I take each day in strides and continue on. This is my real life with OCD.