Parents fear the dreaded teenage years and teenagers cherish them as the coming of age, “I can do anything I want because I’m grown now” years. All of a sudden, in one waking moment, your teenagers begin to think they know more than you do, they resent your authority, they think you dress like an old person, they refuse to do household chores because it is not their choice, and any advice you have for their future is thrown out the window because they want to make all the decisions. If you understand that this is normal teenage behavior, you will have an easier time dealing with attitude from teenagers.
When teenage hormones rage at their most extreme levels, the “I hate you and this house” words start flying out of their mouths. Other teenage attitude phrases during extreme hormone rages are “What are you going to do, kick me out?” or “Fine, put me on restriction; I’ll just sneak out anyway.” Teenagers have a unique ability to brutally and disrespectfully challenge everything that parents say. Teenage attitude should be expected and the only way to deal with it as a parent is to have some of your own attitude, but more importantly, pick and choose when to use it.
As a former high school teacher and surviving parent of a teenager, here is some advice for dealing with attitude from teenagers.
Love, Understanding, and Support is Really What Teenagers Want
During teenage years, young adults are trying to establish their own identity, purpose, and direction for their lives. Try to communicate support for their decisions instead of dictating what their decisions should be and what your punishment is. Turn an action item into something that is perceived as a reward they are passionate about.
For example: When your teenager says, “I don’t want to do this Math because I will never need it anyway.”
Don’t say: “You need to finish your homework or you will be on restriction.” Teenagers often times don’t care what kind of punishment you throw at them. They have been there and done that. Rather, find something they like or a goal they are trying to accomplish and communicate encouragement toward their goal.
Do say: “You know, if you spend one hour on this math homework, you might help your chances of getting a scholarship.”
Do say: “You know, if you spend one hour on this homework, you will improve your chances of making the football team.”
Establish the “Zero Tolerance” Joint Agreement
Discuss and identify with your teenagers, the five disrespectful behaviors for which the family will have zero tolerance. Also discuss and identify consequences for these zero tolerance behaviors. Remember, even though you are the parent and have the authority in the house, teenagers want some equal respect as young adults. If you show mutual respect in certain situations, your teenagers will have fewer attitudes about authority. Without some anger management controls, your relationship with your teenager and the teenage attitudes will spiral out of control.
Here is the zero tolerance plan we worked out that was written on a poster and hung in the kitchen. This may not work in your situation, but the important thing to do is have your own zero tolerance plan that identifies your families’ values and consequences that you can enforce and that changes negative behavior.
Zero Tolerance Behaviors:
1. Profanity is NEVER allowed by either the parent or the teenager.
2. The phrase “I hate you” will not be used because we all know that isn’t true.
3. If you cannot say something nice, don’t say it at all.
Consequences:
First: Apology
Second: Family Discussion
Third: Family Counseling
4. Physical abuse like hitting, slapping, and shoving will not be tolerated.
5. Nobody in the household will break the law and go to jail.
Consequences:
First: Contact law enforcement authorities
Second: Accept the legal consequences
Third: Behavior Modification and/or Anger Management Counseling
Understand Teenage Attitude and Respond with Humorous Attitude and Facts
You cannot successfully challenge every single teenage attitude rage that occurs in six years and maintain your loving relationship with your teenager. Instead, try to communicate with some humorous attitude and give your teenager some knowledge and space to make their own good choices in life. When you are the parent of a teenager, if you try to shift your role from authority figure to advisor and mentor, you will save your sanity and help nurture your teenager.
For example: when your teenager says, “I’m going to get a tattoo whether you like it or not…”
Don’t say: “If you do you will be kicked out of the house.” This is a classic parent authority figure challenge that will drive your teenager to get that tattoo out of spite and rebellion.
Do say: “Well, if you insist on a tattoo, make sure the needle doesn’t give you AIDS, make sure it doesn’t get infected since removing it is painful and expensive and leaves ugly scars. Make sure you don’t use metal inks since an MRI during your later years might rip it out of your skin AND make sure it you get that cute little lizard on your bikini line, it doesn’t turn into an Iguana when you get pregnant 10 years from now. Also, make sure you can cover the tattoo when you go for a job interview so you can buy your car because you might not get hired. Oh and one more thing, if you get stretch marks from gaining or losing weight or being pregnant, make sure that tattoo isn’t in your stretch mark zones or it will end up looking pretty dang ugly.” Educating teenagers in support of their desire or decision is sometimes more effective in helping them make a wise decision than trying to tell them their decision is absolutely forbidden.
Teenage Attitude is a Phase. With some Tough Love, It too will Pass
When teenagers communicate feelings with people other than family member authority figures, they often times express deep, loving feelings for their family and their home. While teenagers aggressively fight for independence, self-identity, and control, they also cherish stability, structure, and love from their home life. Covering up for your teenagers wrong decisions or helping your teenager get out of trouble will not help your teenager learn, even though you think at the time that it will help your teenager love you more.
My teenager got into her share of trouble for making some wrong decisions in her young life. It was very hard to stick to the tough love strategy for teaching her about real life, but in the end she was better off for it. Here are some specific examples of how I handled certain teenage attitude problems and behaviors:
My daughter and her friends got caught stealing bras from a department store when she was 15, even though she had her own babysitting money to buy them. They took the teenagers to the juvenile detention center after the department store decided not to press charges because it was the first offense. When the juvenile detention center called me to pick her up, I told them to keep her there for the weekend and maybe she would learn not to steal. They told me they could not do that since there were no charges pressed. I went to pick her up, but the fact that I was willing to let them keep her in “jail” for the weekend and not cover for her made a huge impression on her and she did not steal again.
My daughter got caught ditching school for 10 days. She would fail the semester if she did not make a contract with the school to make up the time and school work. We went to the school and made a contract. When she broke the contract, I told her to get into the car because we were going to the counselor and dropping her from school. I explained that if her goal was not to graduate from school, we might as well quit wasting their time and our time. I also explained that after she dropped out of high school, she could just go get a job mopping floors at the grocery store or whatever she wanted to do to earn a minimum wage and live with 6 other strangers who could split a three-bedroom apartment rent. She cried, screamed, and begged me not to do that. I did it anyway. When we got to the counselor’s office, she told the counselor that is really NOT what she wanted. We made a second contract and my daughter graduated from high school ONLY after if became HER goal.
My daughter is now 32 years old, has been married for 10 years to a wonderful man, and is a CPA and CIA with a Master’s Degree in Accounting. She was accepted into the United States Air Force Academy when she was 20, which was one of the proudest moments of my life as a Mom. Teenage attitude is a phase, and it too will pass.
Best wishes for surviving the teenage attitude years. Just remember, love will prevail in the end.
