For shy people, it’s about more than just the painful feelings they get in social situations, which can be paralyzing. It’s also the rumination that goes on their minds about what they’re missing out on, and suffering the jealousy of more confident people who are out there living it up while the shy person remains isolated in their imaginary shell.
Typically, shy people are focused too much on themselves while the confident person is more able to focus on the situation in front of them. I remember being so painfully shy as a kid that in social situations I sometimes felt like I was having an out of body experience, looking at myself from someone else’s perspective, judging myself harshly in regards to how pathetic, weak, and awkward I was. I also over analyzed everything about myself; every imagined and unimagined flaw became magnified to the most extreme degree. Naturally, this stress clouded my mind, shorted my breath, and caused me to say the stupidest, most awkward things imaginable in what I perceived as a crucial “make or break” social situation. Rather than face the paralyzing fear head on, I found it easier to dodge opportunities for social growth, which only made it worse as my mind chewed on thoughts of how pathetic my shyness was, and on how I was missing out on what were supposed to be the best year’s of my life. In reality, I was not awkward or stupid; it was the anxiety and the shyness that kept my true self from showing.
The first method for overcoming shyness is learning the art of relaxation.
During therapy sessions, which included both hypnosis therapy and psychotherapy, I learned that shyness is related to anxiety and social conditioning. If you can relax, the focus can come off of you and your self analysis and you then gain the mental flexibility to practice social and conversational skills. You can achieve this relaxed state by summoning memories of times you felt spontaneous and care free when you were around people you were close too. Even severely shy people, like myself, had family and some close friends that they experienced no anxiety around. With this awareness, you know you are capable of a relaxed state around a person. It’s then just a matter of transferring that state of mind to situations with people that you don’t know by acknowledging the simple fact that they’re just another person, physiologically no different than your close friend, parent or sibling that you have no shyness around.
Focus not on yourself but on others.
Instead of trying to mentally mind read how the other person is perceiving you, forget about yourself and act as the observer and judge of others. Confident people do not consider their self esteem at issue, so why should you. No matter what happens, you are still whatever you are and can move on – it will not kill you no matter how much of a fool you make of yourself nor will it be broadcast on the nightly news.
Focus instead on what the other people in the social situation are wearing and be curious about where they might live, or how they live and listen to their conversations and get good at remembering names by repeating them to yourself. This will help you gain conversational material and help ease your anxiety at the same time.
When you talk to people, ask open questions.
Most people love talking about themselves, and you don’t need to worry about impressing people with your conversational skills too much. Just asking about them about themselves sincerely is enough to make them feel important, like you, and they will carry the conversation. You can ask them questions that involve specifics such as “what do you like about this town” or “what else do you find interesting.” Then, you can start to express your own opinions.
Disregard your imaginative mind.
Typically, the mind’s imagination is not a reliable radar for how events will unfold. I can’t think of too many concerts, parties, or sporting events that I’ve been to for the first time where the event matched what my imagination predicted it would be like. With shy people, imagining what other people think can be a real confidence killer. You need to stop imagining what they may or may not be thinking – it’s a painful exercise, and what they think of you is not an accurate portrayal of who you are but more representative of their traits and personality.
Avoid all or nothing thinking.
Nothing is ever black or white in life, and this is especially true socially. It is also an emotional roller coaster ride and a typical habit of worriers who think things like, “this is a complete embarrassment,” or “she’s going to laugh at me.” Being right or wrong, a failure or a success, or anything else that has to be labeled as one of two extremes is a trait always common in the depressed, angry, and anxiety ridden. Remember, there are no absolutes and life is a sea of grey. Avoid labeling others, or yourself, or your experience. Neutral thinking of just looking at things as just “being what they are because they are” without a lot of arbitrary meaning can eliminate a lot of your anxiety.
Finally, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re just born shy or you have to accept it. It doesn’t have to be a part of you and it’s not normal. People are natural social creatures. Shyness can be overcome. You can train your mind to think in any way you want. I am living proof – I overcame my shyness and at first became so outgoing that I was a bit overwhelming.
Being relaxed socially is one of the greatest feelings you can have, and anyone can achieve it if they learn the art of relaxation which frees you up to truly be yourself.
